I've probably typed this, erased everything and then re-typed it about a thousand times for years now…But…I know this is one trauma that I've kept to myself for years…I've grown up with this (other then diabetes, sleep apnea , and the medical shit…) I can't even start to explain the feelings and thoughts consuming my head…
Also to be honest, This 'trauma' only stopped about two years ago, So it's still fresh in my mind. My mind never allows me to forget this, And if I could, With my razor I'd just slash it away like I do with other feelings, But I haven't been able to do that. Since this first major trauma when I was younger, It's gone all downhill right until this point in time.
Okay..Before I act like the coward I am…Let me get it out…I don't even know If i'll end up posting it this time…But here goes nothing…
I know I'm not the only one on this site that has gone through this…Right? Other then myself…Only one other person knows about this, And I only told her about two days ago..
When I was 8, I was molested by my Cousin, He was 11 at the time. That continued, and by the time I was 10 he had started the rape, (I'm not going into detail) He'd apologize every once in awhile, And when I was younger I believed him…I was so stupid…This sexual abuse went on until I was 14. (he was 17 by this time.)
I'm 16 now, He's 19. During all these years, Started the disorders. I had Social Anxiety since I was 9, the eating disorders started when I was 11. the cutting and other self-harm when I was 10.
So like I said…The disorders I've had for years, This warped thinking is normal to me now, I think everything is my fault, I feel..and KNOW that it's my fault, I've cut over places he's touches me, chest stomach, thighs…You get it.
I can't STAND to have people touch me now, I'm literally scared of people, from that, my thinking and disorders, Pain, sadness,fear it's all NORMAL to me. Does that make sense? Can some relate to how I'm thinking?
I've tried many times to stop, but I can never do it, i've relapsed so many times and tired to end it all twice now. Whenever I see my cousin….I panic and breakdown. Like i've said in a few of my post, My parents are oblivious to what I am, How I feel, I've told no one anything about my problems I keep them to myself because I can not trust anyone, I feel utterly alone and I'm falling further and further into the darkness.
I'm sorry for complaining…or Being a burden…I really feel that I am one…And that everything I have, or what people say, or do to me…I deserve it. It's how I think now, I always remember what people say to me, I think it's true..Everything is my fault, Our money problems, School, parents always fighting, Even causing my brother stress of having a fuck up for a sister…and so much more, just me being in these peoples lives are problems enough
like what that Kid Jay said…I told you in my last post he said ""Oh Andrea, Looking at your picture makes me suicidal. How could you live with a face like that?"
I believe him! I'm such a horrible person…My cousin sowed me this, and ever since then i've learned this. so..The pain I feel when I force myself to vomit, Or when I cut, or whatever…It sorta lets me know I'm alive, and that I deserve it.
What someone like myself DOESN'T deserve, Is the kind words I've gotten on this site, Or help, or any kind of concern, I've been told I'm a lost cause, And it's true…It's fucking true! I'm always causing problems at school, or in the hospital alot, Why does my family need me when they have my brother?
Why do the little friends I have need someone who makes them look bad? they're perfect, and i'm the community service project for them, nothing but pity they think of me I bet. I'm such a waste of space…To even be touched by him, must have made him vomit afterwards…
I'm going to stop now…The point of this blog was to vent, and I just let a big secret I've held in for a long time out…I'm not sure how this will make people react, I'm sorry if it was a bother to anyone…But…
I guess I just couldn't hold this in anymore y'know? I have no one irl to tell, So writing it down…without erasing it this time..Was the only way I could get this out…I hope I don't regret saying this secret, But I have to start dealing with that situation sooner or later I guess, I can't deny that it happened…Right?…I feel so disgusting right now..