i relapsed with bulimia a few months ago. and im a total wreck because of it. and i want more than anything to not be so controlled by food.

you know, when i first started out with an eating disorder it was anorexia. and it was to control. i felt like resisting the temptation to eat was the ultimate example of self control. even though food was all i ever thought about. and then i went into recovery for a while. until i started noticing that i had gained weight. and i still hadnt developed a healthy relationship with food. i would over eat, to the point of my skin hurting from feeling so full. so of course in my mind the way to eat whatever and however much i want to eat was to start purging, whether it be through self induced vomiting, laxatives, or doing an ungodly amount of exercise to make up for whatever it is i had binged on.

well now, 6 or 7 years later i still struggle with bulimia, and still have anorexic tendancies. its so frustrating that i cant just have a normal relationship with food. but you know, i hate that phrase "relationship with food" because it shouldnt even be that big of a deal. we were meant to eat for means of survival. not to fill some emotional void, or control our lives. it shouldnt even be that big of a deal. eat a meal when youre hungry, and go on about your day. its so tiring to be so preoccupied with my weight, and food. and i know its a catalyst for something much deeper. i fit the entire criteria for someone who is likely to suffer from bulimia. i was molested as a child, my mother abandoned me. my mother was a drug addict etc. i remember going through and researching everything i could find on the subject and crying so hard when reading the lifestyle situations that most bulimics come from. i mean i fit EVERY SINGLE ONE.

and when i think about what was going on at the time i started to relapse, everything was so crazy. so to cope i hit the cupbord. and i ate. and ate. and ate some more. and when i had gained about 15 pounds in the span of two weeks, i felt like i knew what i had to do. if i couldnt control my eating i would just start purging again. and then when i had noticed how much weight i lost in just one week (almost ten pounds) i started restricting my intake, it was almost like inspiration to not eat three normal meals a day. and anything i did eat, even if it in no way could be considered as a binge to a normal person, i would purge. unlike a lot of people, a binge to me is going over 300 calories in one sitting. and i KNOW that this is not normal, but yet when i do it its like another person is inside of me at the time, who is completely irrational says you have to get it out of you, youre going to gain weight.

well. i decided last week that i CANNOT live like this anymore. i constantly feel weak and lightheaded, i get heart palpitations, which scares the living shit out of me. its just a precursor to what will inevitably happen if i dont stop. i will die of a heart attack or heart failure. i will DIE. so i did my best to try and eat atleast 2 meals a day. 2 meals. no snacks, no exercise, and 2 meals consisting of atleast 400 calories. it was a start. but ofcourse, i gained weight. my pants are tighter. my face is fatter, i can see it when i look in the mirror. and as much as i tried to not let it bother me, it does.

so i almost went an entire week, eating two meals a day. until i decided to go stay at my friends house yesterday (which i was a complete nervous wreck about but i made myself do it because i wanted to prove to myself i could). i drank about 6 mixed drinks made with ungodly amounts of vodka to cope with the anxiousness i felt which was just stupid, and i didnt eat anything but a 99 percent fat free hot dog all day because i was so nervous. and when i came home i went straight to bed, and slept all day. when i woke up, i made myself ramen. 1 meal. then a few hours later i had a sandwich. 2 meals. and i decided i was done eating for the day. it didnt last. i decided i wanted more noodles. and while i was waiting for the water to come to a boil, i looked in the mirror in the kitchen, and i looked at my thighs, and how fat they have become in just one week. and almost as if fate was playing a cruel joke on me i turned on the television to distract myself and lo and behold the episode of degrassi was on inwhich emma suffers from anorexia. so that other person inside me came out and said, "im going to purge." and i ate my noodles. 2 packages of noodles. when i was done i tied my hair back. went into my bathroom. turned on the water, and made myself purge up everything i had eaten. i felt ashamed and relieved all at the same time. how is it even possible to feel such opposite emotions at once?

i wish, i just wish i knew how to stop this. when i think im getting better i catch a glimpse of myself self in the mirror, or something comes on the tv and it triggers me to do this to myself. i feel like im a walking eating disorder at this point. i dont have an identity. bulimia has taken my identity away from me. how do i become someone else? i dont have money for treatment, or therapy. i just feel so alone in this. and im so afraid that i will die. i dont want to die.