Once upon a time, more than a year ago, I used to run a group for moms who lived in my area. The group was for moms and their kids, to get together and have playdates and do charitable works.
I loved the group–I put my heart and soul into it. I made it into something that was a part of me. I worked day and night on it. Not only did it have much of my spirit in it, but it also had a future. It had my dreams held inside of it.
As with any group, there is always drama and controversy at times. This drama was caused by women who "used" my group to get friends, and then stabbed me and my group in the back. Rules had to be imposed, and yet this caused even more drama.
Eventually, the drama became too much for an already anxiety-ridden woman. I was moving out of the area anyway (not too far, but far enough) so I gave the group to someone else whom I trusted.
But now, I never talk to her anymore. I'm not part of the group, and rarely hear from the women who are. I am sad… so sad. The group has it's own web URL now… a new message board… new everything. When I go there, just to see what the main page looks like (not being a member I have no access), I'm filled with sadness.
Why do I torture myself sometimes? I have no idea. I guess it's like looking at pictures of someone who is dead. You loved them, and you want to see them again, but know that you can't. And even though they're dead and will never be back in your life, you still look at the pictures… they cause you pain, but you look and you mourn and you wish….