I can’t be a Muslim. I tried, but I just can’t. The reason is Jesus. My experiences of Jesus as Lord prevent me from relegating him to mere prophet status. I still believe Jesus is Lord, I can’t change that if I tried. I think Islam is a beautiful religion, and I felt peaceful practicing it, except for that one issue of Jesus. I just can’t see Jesus any other way. His presence was too real to me, too powerful, His Spirit too beautiful, to not believe in Him as Lord. So where does that leave me spiritually? Back to Christian Wicca, it seems.

I can’t be just a regular Christian, because I am incapable (so it would seem) of feeling the Holy Spirit. I need tangible things to hold onto to connect me to the Divine, and that is where Wicca comes in. My Wicca has no goddess. Most Wiccans would be horrified to think of a goddess-less Wicca, but bear with me here- Dianic Wicca honors the goddess but not the god. So why cannot Christian Wicca honor the god but not the goddess? Fair is fair. I still honor the feminine through Mother Mary and Mother Gaia, though I do not worship them as goddesses. They are the Queen of Heaven and the Queen of Earth. I pray to them to intercede for me with the Lord, just as any Christian would do. If I had a permanent altar, I would have a statue of Christ and of Mary, and a small shrine to Gaia. But I do not have the space for such. I don’t have an altar, I just keep my accoutrements on my dining table- my candles, the incense burner and the oil warmer. I have a dried rose that I keep on my incense burner when not in use. I wish I could have a permanent altar space, but living in a motorhome, that is just not possible.

I have anointed my protection candle with patchouli oil for good luck on this first quarter moon. I could sure use some good luck. I cast a good luck spell this morning, only I changed the wording to only implore God and not the goddess. Spells are basically just prayers with props. I need these tangible things to help me feel connected to the Divine, seeing as I cannot feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. I believe that God has provided all these things- the elements of earth, air, fire and water, and Spirit, and made each to be used for our benefit. I do not believe I have any power of my own, only the energy that God has provided. I do not believe all Christians should be witches, as all Wiccans are witches. Each Christian has a different set of gifts from the Holy Spirit. I don’t know what mine are, because I cannot feel the Holy Spirit. So I use these earthly things, what I have been given, to connect to God and effect change in the world according to His will. I do not ask for anything that is not of the will of God.

Some Christian witches use the Psalms in their spells. I’m not sure how to go about doing that, I would need to do a bit of studying and spend some time in prayer to discern how to do such. I am basically blazing my own trail here. I do not identify with the Trinitiarian Wiccans, their spirituality is lacking. I am more of a Christian than I am a Wiccan, in the sense that I’m not just a Wiccan who plugs in the Christian pantheon into her spells. I desire a complete spirituality that embodies Christ and His works in the world. I love Jesus, and I love Mary, I love God the Father and the Holy Spirit, even though I can no longer feel Him. I know I sound crazy because just yesterday I was into Islam. But I was doing it out of fear- I felt afraid because I could not find Jesus, so I searched for comfort and protection in Allah. But as I’ve said, I just couldn’t demote Jesus, so Islam doesn’t work for me. I wish all Muslims a blessed Ramadan. A part of me wishes I could join them, but I simply can’t do it.