I probably need to talk to someone. My depression is getting higher and higher with everday that is going by. I can't stop it. And not matter how hard I try to control it, it just feels like the more I am losing control. I need to talk to someone and I really want to… get better. I just want to feel better. I can feel my depression right now, breathing down my neck as I try to get work done. I knew that I shouldn't have come to school today. But I did anyways. Why? Because my mother would not want me to skip. I would have to pretend to be sick, which I am honestly feeling right now, and there are only so many times that I can be sick and get away with it. I need to talk to her and see if we can figure something outbecause all of this, my senior year, is just too much. I can't handle it.

I went over to my friend's house this weekend, who has pet rats, like me. I was holding on of her rats while she was cleaning the cage. He was long overdue for a trimming of the nails and yet I almost refused to let him down because of this. He was scratching my arm up like no body's business, and it hurt. Don't get me wrong, it really hurt… But I couldn't…. wouldn't let him down… And after I finally put him away, the burning sensation, the sensitivity, the hotness of my skin there, stayed for a solid two days. and yet… I didn't seem to mind… Because it was the feeling I get when I cut… Just without the razor. And it made me concerned… Because I don't want to go back there. But as each passing second creeps by, as I delve into my own thoughts… I think about doing it again. I want that feeling again… I need that feeling.

Everything just seems so wrong and hopeless… I just want to be happy…