Each week it gets better, it gets easier in certain ways, and I’m adjusting to a new reality. I work graveyards so I hardly see the waves of panic shoppers that give me anxiety. We are not provided PPE so we have to find/bring our own. I have become vigilant in my self-sanitizing routine. I do laundry often. I keep Lysol wipes and spray in my car. When I clock out and decompress in my car I sanitize my hands first, then my glasses, debit cards, access card, my car keys, and my steering wheel, just in case. When I leave my car I spray it. At home I continue to sanitize my box knife, the contents of my apron, my belt, then I take off my clothes and shower. Some days I feel like I’m being obsessive and others I let uncertainty creep its way into my thought process. “Am I not doing enough??” I don’t want to get comfortable and let my guard down then contract the virus. I may already have it in my system and I’m not showing symptoms. “What if its still in the incubation phase??” I cannot think of these things too much. It’s already mentally exhausting and it shows up in my body. I slept at least 20 hours on my two days off. I go back to work tonight and I already feel tired. Waking up is hard. I was late to work pretty much all of last week, but the funny things is that I asked to come in earlier so I’m not technically late according the schedule. Still, I have to do better. I’m new to this store.
All this week smells of Spring; a big whiff of it and I have the urge to go camping, then a heavy nostalgia weighs on my chest. I used to go camping every summer with my family. All of them are a state away and I just want to be with them right now. I want to be held with their love. My 11 year old niece messaged me on Facebook, “Miss you.” She has no idea how much I miss her. I lost it.