- Lately all I wanted to do is just sleep…do nothing else but sleep. I don't know what I want anymore, or what is important. I am in my first year at college, and only strive really hard b/c I know I can't mess up now and hurt my future. I am afraid of failure. I always have been, and set expectations too high for myself. I have been avoiding people a lot. I am uncomfortable with myself and have a huge inferiority complex. I don't have enough emotion.. to show anything genuine is hard, since I am so critical and self-conscious of myself. I feel it hard to attend a church service, because I am afraid of confronting so many genuine, sincere people, of which I feel I cannot be. I feel I am a fake in whatsoever I do. Sometimes I suppose I am just afraid of success as I am afraid of failure. I don't know why I feel this way. I would like my body to look better– I work out, but I never seem to have results. If I do, I am either not satisfied, or afraid of looking better than I should. I know this sounds unusual.
Anyway, when I was younger I was more carefree. I miss that. I miss my sister, 5 hours away, and my parents, 3 hrs. away. I feel guilty because I miss my sister more than my parents. I don't know why that is.
Sometimes my mind wanders and I slip into a mode where I daydream about my childhood–mostly of what I make up and what would constitute a "good childhood".
When I was 6, something happened which I wish never did. my mother had a friend she let watch me and my sister. This woman's son was my age, and for reasons I don't know, said "do you want to play dinghey?" well, without a concept of sexuality, I said how do you play. The short story is we engaged in sexual activity (not technical "intercourse"). My life would have been radically different had that not happened. I had times I struggled with my sexuality. And the typical name-calling in middle school did not help any. And that childhood experience did not help my interest in girls, because I would feel unworthy. My mom's own struggle with depression and hospitalization didn't help either. I wish I could say my life is good, but I keep focusing on how it could and how it should have been. I look at myself now, and realize how hard it would be to be that person–the true me, who can be himself and to the fullest extent be just another guy, who can play any sport, etc. I want no more to struggle with my own sexual identity, but be straight and not worry about it.
Sometimes I just envy other people. I envy the fact they look better than me, that they have more energy than me, that they are more sociable than me– and comfortable with themselves..
If anyone has happened to read this, I would appreciate any advice on what I should do to ease my ways of thinking, and if you have faced anything similar, or anything you would like to share, I would really appreciate it.
