So today is the first official day of my Self Care journey / Journey to Recovery.
It has taken me months (maybe even years) to finally admit that I suffer from Depression and Anxiety and Addiction (to alcohol).
I am under no illusion that I will be “cured” overnight, but I am finally committed to doing the work to get better.
This past weekend was the first weekend in months where I went without drinking alcohol. This might not seem like much, but it was a major step for me. I have been using alcohol as a crutch, and a sleep aid for a while now. And I am not committing to quitting alcohol for good, I just need to learn to drink because I want to, not because I have to.
I am looking forward to this new journey. Not only because I have faith that I will get better because of it, but because it will give me some form of control over my life and feelings and actions – something I seem to have lost over time.
I am not a writer, so my thoughts will be all over the place on this blog, but it feels good to finally let it out.
A little background into what I believe has contributed to my issues:
- I started drinking alcohol way too early in life (at around 13 years old). I cannot pinpoint the exact time I started, or the reason, but I do remember that I had no business starting a dangerous habit when I was not old enough to handle (or even buy) it.
- I have always felt different. And not in the best way. I never felt like I fit in with my own family and the friends I made throughout my life. I am getting better at this, but it is still a struggle.
- I am a ‘People Pleaser’. I am the type to set herself on fire to keep others warm (quote taken off the internet – no idea who said this originally, so I don’t know who to cite). I need to learn to put myself first, without being overly-selfish. Work In Progress.
- I sweep problems / issues under the rug or run away from them. This a major one. The only explanation I can come up with is that I hate conflict.
- I do not give myself enough credit for the things I do / get right. I have to constantly remind myself that: I am not a failure; I am Enough (at work, in relationships, in friendships); I deserve to be loved fiercely and unapologetically and loudly by everyone I let into my life.
Shuuu… that felt good!