Who am I trying to kid?  I can put on the mask only for so long before it burns.  I don't wanna end up sad and alone.  I can't keep up the illusion.  I look at my future and all I see is obscurity.  It's the same old thing day after day when I walk into a room and no one bats an eye my brain flinches and I'm so cold I turn to an icicle on the corner of Rosewood and Maple where the house burned down with all my hopes and dreams and love could be no more.  The schedule for next semester has already been planned, five classes and a lot more work work work.  And I'll try to survive alone stuck to the same old chair surrounded by the same four walls, it may be impossible it say and crazy not to go home, crazy to risk finding an SI tool and risk SI, crazy not to run home and hide where I'll have someone else on which to rely, and I'll never have to worry about being alone because I'll be run crazy by dogs and cats and people.  But that's not much different than here except for the animal part, since I don't have much on this campus and people like to be generally nasty and annoying, I mean how hard is it to get off your phone while you're walking down the street or have a little respect for people?  I mean, I can't take worrying about grades because ya know if I mess up then I'm done, and I mean done as in well-boiled because then I don't have to worry about grades or jobs or money or just how I'm gonna survive one more day.  And I think it's kinda sad that the best we can wish for is to die and get it all over with but in the end I know it's right because then the world would be a brighter place.  I don't mean to bring everyone down or make them hate me, but I do, I don't want to be jealous but I am, I don't want to be me, I mean I didn't choose life did I they just forced me into it which isn't fair, I mean they pile these things on me and make me be a screwup worrying over every little test.  But how long must I sing this song?  I mean trying to put on the burning mask and pretending that everything will be ok when nothing's been ok for years they just swept it all under the rug and pushed me in the closet expecting a miracle and here I am dying a little inside I get so jealous when I see you happy and I wanna be happy too but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here?  I don't belong here.  Do you do you think it would be ok if I let it spill out here, would they mind the stain, the legacy on their pretty carpet?

1 Comment
  1. angels5888 13 years ago

    IM SORRY YOU R IN SUCH A BAD PLACE RIGHT NOW, BUT IT DOES  GET BETTER, I HAD THIS SINCE I WAS 19, SO I KNOW THE FEELING, AND THAT WAS WAY TOO YOUNG TO START FEELING LIKE THAT, YOU SHOULD BE HAVING THE TIME OF YOU LIFE RIGHT NOW, AND I KNOW I USED TO SAY WHY ME, BUT THERE WAS A REASON I GUESS, AND THE ANSWER WASNT  SI, I KNOW YOU DO HAVE A GREATSENSE OF HUMOR IVE SEEN IT AND THAT IS WHAT WILL GET YOU THRU,YOU JUST HAVE TO LAUGH AND SAY WHAT ELE RU GOING TO DO TO ME BRING IT ON, ITS LIKE LITTLE TESTS, YOU OVERCOME ONE AND THATS ONE RUNG UP THE LADDERR OUT OFF THE HOLE, YEAH PEOPLE CAN BE JERKS,IVE BEEN THRU THAT TOO,BUT U KNOW WHAT I ENED UP STRONGER THAN THEY EVER COULD BE, KARMA REALLY DOES WORK, AND YOU KNOW HOW OLD I AM SOOO, TRUST ME A LITLE OK I DO KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT,AND THE BEST THING IS THEY KNOW SO MUCH MORE ABOUT THIS TYPE OF THING NOW, THEN WHEN I WAS 19, THEY HAD NO CLUE WHAT IWAS GOING THRU, SO THERE WAS NO HELP FOR ME FOR MANY YEARS, IN THAT WAY YOU R LUCKY TAKE CARE OF U AND NO MORE SI THAT IS NOT THE ANSWER, ITS ONLY A QUESTION

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