So last night was a crap night. I 'went to bed' at 11:30 or so but couldn't fall asleep. My brain was on overtime. I still feel like shit. I feel like i can't really breathe and my stomach is upset from being very anxious since last night. The last time i looked at the clock was almost 1 but i turned the clock away so I couldnt look at it anymore so who knows what time I actually fell asleep. I am freaking out about going to Costa Rica in march for a week. I don't trust leaving hannah at a kennel and everyone we know that lives around us is going to be going to Costa Rica with us. So i'm stuck btwn a rock and a hard place. But not really cuz I dont have much of a choice. She's gonna be at petsmart for a whole week!! That's so long and I worry constantly. I wont even be a few hrs away or a short plane ride…I'll be in a whole other country. I'm so freaking out. Then on top of that I started having morbid thoughts, images flood my head. I couldnt get myself undercontrol. I was starting to hyperventalating. So i got up and got a drink of water…tried to get myself under control. I even started talking to myself while laying in bed … saying that anxiety could have me tomorrow if it jsut let me fall asleep. How freakin crazy do i feel!!! I dont know what to do. I have sucha hard time letting go of hannah because she's had problems off and on thru her life. including 2 knee surgeries that cost 6 grand to have done. I'm very protective and constantly worry about her. I know i've got to let go but she is really my source of strength.

So here i sit at work, trying to think of ways of getting around leaving her at petsmart for al that time…but i dont have anything!! If it were in the summertime i'd pay my brother to come up and stay at our house for a week but in March, he'll still be in school. DAMNIT! On top of all of this, i can't even get into see the dr till 2/25, an appointment I made in November. FUCKING LAME. i called this morning to see if there was a cancellation or anything to get in. But no. Now he's scheduling for the end of March, with nothing sooner in sight. 🙁 🙁 How can i have such shit luck w/ doctors visits. I swear if this guy turns out anything like the last dr I was supposed to see who turned me away because i wasn't 'suicidal' i'll have to go on fuckin suicide watch! I can't take much more, i need support or help and i can't even express the urgency any more then this!! Doctors, they project this whole image of helping ppl in need. But not when someone REALLY needs it. I haven't been on any meds since before my trip to hawaii at the end of may. At first things seemed to be better. No side effects and what not, just my own self. But then again w/ all of the trip to hawaii, moving and what not my mind was pretty distracted from anxiety and my depression would only come in veyr small doses. After the euphoria of the move and reality began to come back into view i've been in this boat ever since.

This is long and very bitching in nature. haha so if you got to the end of this..thanks for reading 🙂 I am almost ready to check myself into urgent care or something though if this shit doesn't quit. ::SIGH::