Okay…So i\'m gonna try to vent or talk about a certain issue each day. There\'s just so much going on, I feel like i\'m drowning…
Today i\'ll talk about one of them that effects me though, my Anorexia/Bulimia.
I have a few different disorders such as Social Anxiety, Depression, Self-harming, Etc. But these two are also effecting my life greatly, And has been for years now. I\'ve tried to stop but I always relapse and when I do it only comes back with vengeance. For people who go through this, You should be able to relate right?
I never eat, But sometimes I\'m forced to eat or i\'m unable to get out of eating, So of course when this happens I only eat a small amount, And I always feel so shitty after I do…
Even if it\'s just fruit! I feel disgusting and like I gain as soon as I eat it. It\'s only getting worse, When this first started I\'d make myself vomit only once that day, But if it happens now I purge four times a day. I also have acid reflex disease, So this is just KILLING my throat and stomach…
I feel so much better when I go days without eating, It feels…Normal to me now….but listen i\'m NOT pro-anorexia, or pro-bulimia or whatever you people call it…It\'s just been going on for so long I have no idea how to stop. No one else know\'s about this, I can\'t tell my family and I have no friends to tell this to. (except the few I\'ve made on this site)
I don\'t want to have to have this feeling of acid burning the throat, Or feeling so tired, and dizzy and…shitty that I can\'t go through my day without looking like death. Making people either give me looks or pity, or act strangely around me, or even out-right make fun of me for it. (Which doesn\'t help the Social Anxiety I might add..)
It\'s hard to explain what this makes me feel and think, But for anyone who is going through either of these eating disorders, Or has had them but has been able to get out of the habits, Do you have any advise? I feel like I deserve this…It\'s my fault.
I feel like all the disorders, or illness\'s, or trauma (that happened when I was younger) was my fault, I got what I deserved…I don\'t know what to think anymore..I just hate these, I hate that I feel like I need it. It\'s a cycle I can\'t get out of, Just looking, or thinking or smelling foods or drinks/smoothies whatever…Makes me angry, disgusted….I\'m always checking boxes for calories and shit if i\'m forced to eat it…I\'m obsessed.
It\'s to the point where not only just the eating disorders, But at night if there\'s any left over dessert my family ate or something, I\'ll take it out and just start smashing it, or putting it in a paper bag and stomp on it, I just wanted it gone…Destroyed taking my feelings of anger and disgust out on stupid food…
Not only that ut I feel a hatred and anger whenever someone expects me to eat, especially when it\'s something like junk food or candy, whatever. If I feel shitty by sometimes eating just fruit, How the hell am I suppose to feel okay by eating shit like that?
It\'s not normal I know…But I\'m consumed by it…I don\'t know what to do about it anymore…I\'m such a freak…And I\'m such an idiot for letting it get this far out of hand…There\'s no one to blame but myself, But I have no idea how to stop it.
A/N- So…Like I said i\'m gonna start writing a daily blog now, Just so I can try to not hold in all my thoughts anymore, It only makes me feel even worse, As i\'m trying to deal with a handful of disorders at once, Although I have to admit, I failed in that last night and self-harmed from it, It\'s like…A daily thing now, But i\'ll address that in my next blog…
Also, I\'d just like to thank everyone for the feedback on my first blog, You have no idea how hard, and how anxious that made me to post that, I had to take my panic attack medicine just to post it, and I was honestly so Scared to read the comments since I didn\'t know how people would react, y;know? But thank you for your support, and please don\'t think badly of me for sounding so negative…I\'m trying but it\'s been so many years…I can\'t change over night, I\'m sorry 🙁
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No one here expects anyone to change \”overnight\”. I think its a great idea to do a daily blog. I dont have an eating disorder but does your shrink know whats going on with you? I went to outpatient treatment some yearsc ago for my mental illnesses and there was actually a treatment program for people with eating disorders. I dont know if you live in a large enough city for that but it was run by the local hospital. Are you in individual therapy, and if so, telling your therapist about your food patterns, feelings about it, behaviors, etc.?
Ive learned along the way….I cant do it alone. If I do I am suffering needlessly. For me; I need extra help.
I wish you the best and thanks for the brave blog.
I\'ve also struggled with bulimia, and you really really need to try to stop. I KNOW how hard it is, but the long-term effects can be awful. You should blog everyday…venting will help you to let out your emotions, and it\'s a much healthier way that binging and purging. I know it\'s easier said than done, but eating healthy and balanced is so important, and you FEEL a lot better when you have proper nutrition. I even find that my mental state is much clearer when I eat right. Your emotions are more stable. Our bodies need nutrients. I understand how hard it is, because I\'ve struggled with it for many years. I want you to get better. I wish you the best! Try to do something today that makes you happy. Even small things can help. Try watching something funny on youtube, or anything that makes you feel better. Even if you only feel better for a little while, it\'s still a nice relief from feeling miserable. You can always vent to me if you want. I won\'t judge. I know what it\'s like.