I had all the words for this blog over the weekend when I felt bad and just didn't see my self improving. Had a stressful weekend but nothing major (someone else would handle it fine) but I got stressed out as I wanted to get to places exactly on time and do things good and in order but the more I tried and stressed over things the more I got irrigated and eventually I was angry and as usual I was taking it out on my poor children and my niece as I brought the shopping and they were winging in the car and arguing and being ungrateful about the things I bought them, wanting more things and hardly saying thanks. I don't know if I'm imagining all this and maybe I'm the problem here and I probably am the biggest problem as my partner deals with the kids much better and he is firmer with them and they're use to him like that since they were born. I have always spiled them a little and always dealt with they're misbehaving in my own way and that's by giving out and eventually shouting and even smacking their bums and I'd feel such guilt after that it would make me depressed. I just don't like to be angry and I love when I'm not angry and can think clearly but too much stress makes me snap so easily and very down so then I just cry and feel guilty and scared and sorry for my self. My thoughts don't help either, they're causing my anger the most but because it's nothing I can attack with as it attacks me back more so I take it out on my family and not sure what this is, is it depression or just a lot of stress mixed with OCD. I do feel truly crazy sometimes and very scared that I'll totally lose it. I admit my feelings tough and openly talk to my partner about them but I get scared of that too thinking that if I was really scared of somthing I wouldn't be talking about it so much. It did take me a while to tell anyone in my family how I felt at first and now I tend to talk about it a lot. Sorry for not making much sense here but I just had to write it down. I do feel better today and more positive.

4 Comments
  1. Sany27 15 years ago

    Thank you guys, I really feel like the weight has been lifted of my shoulders when I read your responses. I always think I'm the worst in anything and always think people just look at me to make fun of me. I'm not paranoid but just uncomfortable around too many people as I think they all focus on me and how not good I am. Like earlier after a big meeting in work with about a 100 people I was almost suffocating but not with how warm it was but more with my anxiety rising up and then eventually it went down and I realised how silly I am. I actually relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the speeches. You're right Clarrisa we always get angry at people we love the most. It's like we bottle it up during the day and not take it out on unimportant people so by the time we get home we're ready to burst and where else but in the comfort of our homes and family. The thing is I don't want them to suffer, they don't deserve my changing moods and they don't deserve to walk on egg shells waiting for the next little thing I snap over. I have thought about meds many times when I'm feeling down but I'm so so scared of them and would ask the doctor about some natural products. Heather you're so right about raising the kids right and sometimes they do need a slap on the bum, I got plenty when I was small (maybe not enough) and I'm ok with it, I don't blame my parents for it. Also with these thoughts and anxiety that hits me when least expected I am sure to get upset at some point during the day. It's not good to bottle anger up so I'll just have to find a physical activity and take it out there.

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  2. Littlemiss 15 years ago

    Sorry to hear you had a tough weekend, you sound very much like me. i think you are doing a great job with your kids and the mere fact you are worrying about doing a good job as a mum proves that you are striving to be the best you can.

    I am glad you are feeling a little more positive though x

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  3. Optimus 15 years ago

    Reminds me of my own bad days. When this happens I keep talking to myself and saying "A better day will come", not a true solution to the anxiety problems but keeps my mind a little away by thinking of the possibilities of tomorrow. I hope you will recover soon 😛

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  4. thymeoperator 15 years ago

    sometimes i take so much out on my fiance, he puts up with a lot from me, i feel awful about it, and i'm constantly doubting things with him even though there's no reason for it at all, and my son will really stress me out if he's all over the place, and i'm constantly running around cleaning up after him or his dad, and just generally wearing myself out and i get so angry and sometimes i really just lose it, and other times i have to just excuse myself from the room and be by myself because i'm having visions of all the awful things i could do and what outbursts i could have, and i'm seeing the whole fight playing out in my head and feeling so tempted to just making it a reality – i think i need to learn to walk away and be alone more often!!!  so you're definitely not alone with it all!  i think it's important to remember, though, for the sake of not feeling eternally guilty, that your anger isn't at your family, it's completely understandable frustration with yourself, and you're not just some angry woman, you know?

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