For the last 5 years I was fighting my emotions to make myself want to go back to college because I was so scared to fail. I had never let myself down do low. I never stopped believing in myself. When that happened I was in a relationship and he was there for me when I had a break down. That was back in 2017, and now its 2021 and I feel ready to go back.

yesterday was my birthday and my present to myself was paying off my school. My first though was telling my EX boyfriend because I think he is the only person who can fully understand how much that meant to me. I cried so many tears, felt so much pain in my chest, hated myself for a very long time. I had so many regrets.. Little did I know I was so depressed because of all the dumb decisions i made for myself. I wish I knew my Ex boyfriends number so I could call him.. Tell him how hard I started working on myself the last time we talked. I would say sorry for not looking at you the last time. I would say can I have a hug and a “Im proud of you”. Because even though you hated me and treated me badly I trusted you so much.

I almost want to give you one more chance but every time that thought comes into my mind I think about how small you made me feel. I remember how you yelled at me in a voice that broke me to pieces. I remember how much it burned me to hold your hand in the car and how tight my chest would feel laying awake next to you in bed because of how much I hated and loved you mixed together. I remember how you criticized me for the way I felt comfortable. I remember you making me feel like I couldn’t do anything on my own. I remember you distancing yourself from me when you knew I was falling out of love with you. I remember standing in the bathroom of our first apartment looking at myself in the mirror wondering how I was so alone, so stupid and why was I so scared. How you put my heart and mind through so much trauma and worry overtime you fucked up….You drank medicine just so you could fall asleep, you avoid me…my feelings, my thoughts, and me in general. All those memories flooded over all the good memories I have of us.

Like when we would kiss while driving home, how we would sing together holding hands to our favorite songs, how we went of evening walks, how you would smile at me every time I got out of the shower, how you use to kiss me multiple times on my face, how you would surprise me with random small gifts, how you would roll over and kiss me to pull me closer when we would fall asleep. How we watched the fire works together when we were younger, how you would dance a little bit and smile at me. Ughh just remembering you hurts because I still love you… But not enough to share who I am today with you.

Things could never go back to the way they were before, I wish it could, because I did love you so much. Now…. I love me more and the next time I fall in love I want to be 90% sure. I hope that the next person I fall for falls for me like that too… Anyways I am going back to school and i wish I could tell you to see the look on your face.. that look that says “You did this without me..”

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