Before I begin to tell you about what is going on in my life, there are a few things that you must first understand about me.
I am a Junior in high school. My mom divorced my dad when I was a year old. She later got married when I was 3 to my step dad, who also adopted me and raised me for the remainder of my life up to this very day. They divorced in my Freshmen year of high school. At first, they just separated, but my mother found out that my dad was cheating on her and she filed for a divorce. Somewhere during all the chaos of the separation, my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. But my mother, being the sweet mother that she always had been, lied to me and told me that it was stage 2 because she didn't want to worry me. Now, for those of you who aren't aware, stage 1 is the least deadly and stage 4 is the worst. She began treatments immediately after she found out that she had cancer, of course, this meant a chemo and radiation mixture and various medicines that would leave her so sick she couldn't get out of bed. It was at this time, I lost my faith in God. I was angry with God for letting him do this to my family, to me. What had I done wrong? I thought I was always a good girl. I went to church and I never did anything wrong. Now, when you add in the anger that I felt towards my stepdad, you come out with a very angry, hurt, and confused teenager. I wanted absolutely nothing todo with my stepdad. Seeing my mom at the state that she was in, so weak, so fragile, I cried myself to sleep many nights a week. Then summer came, and I went to youth camp with my youth group and found my faith again and learnt that I needed to forgive my stepdad, for everyone makes mistakes. After I got home from camp, things would slowly get better. Yes, there were times that things got hard again, but after a little while, they got better.
In my Sophomore year, I thought things were going great, because my mom was getting better. My relationship with my dad was getting better, I felt like everything was falling into place again. Then comes December. I had never had a death in my family in which anyone that I was very close to or cared greatly about had passed away. So when my biological father passed away December 13, I was unprepared. I had never really gotten to know my father, but I always had plans to do so. I always thought that maybe when I got older that I would find the faith in myself to forgive him for never being there for me. I thought that I would get to know him and welcome him into my life. So when he passed away, I felt like I had lost my chance. And I became angry at God once again. Of course, my mother felt guilty for keeping me from going to visit him, because she honestly thought that she had outr best interests at heart. But that never took away the fact that I was still hurt. But I learnt that life does, in fact, move on. Around April of my Sophomore year, I met a guy. He swept me off my feet and told me that he wanted to be apart of my life. and I believed him. And of course, I was open to him and let him in. After he got what he wanted, he left and never talked to me again. I was devastated. Was I not good enough? Is it because I'm not as skinny as all the other girls? I was broken. But once again. I learnt that life goes on.
Now, I am in my Junior year of high school. My mom announced a few months ago that we are moving to Dothan. I was hurt because she promised that we could stay in this town until my brother and I graduated. I simply told her that I was going to move in with my stepdad, my brother too said te same.. She was outraged by this. She said that we weren't allowed to move in with him, after this, we fought for the months following. I said that I was moving in with dad and she couldn't do anything to stop me. So she said that she would send me to a girls' home if I tried. So I went to my stepdad and asked him to call his lawyer, who then told him that I am of the legal age to decide who I want to live with. So she finally gave up and said that I had won. But in doing so, she said she wanted nothing to do with me. When I left, I was not to ask her for another thing, and I was not to come see her. She said I would never have to see her again. She called me a manipulator, and crushed my dream of being a psychologist. She said that psychologists are supposed to e caring people, not selfish people. And that I shouldn't waste my time trying to become one because once the people saw who I really was, they would never come back. I tried to tell her that I didn't want to move in with him completely, just during the week. But she stated that she didn't want my brother and I every weekend.
So here I am now, most of my stuff is packed, and put away in boxes. I'm moving in with my stepdad this weekend. But while I'm at home right now, my mom doesn't talk to me. But if she does, it's hurtful. And when I speak, she ignores me.
I am so afraid that I have lost my mother forever. And she hasn't even passed away. I am so hurt. So lost. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now. I'm just praying that in time, she will come to forgive me and want to be in my life again. She is the one who raised me and took care of me my entire life. I have so many find memories with her. We always used to enjoy each other's company. Now, she can't seem to stand me.