I haven't been on here for a pretty long time, I think since my birthday party. I'm pretty bad at keeping up with this blog thing, but hey, I'm really trying. heh. Anyway, I've got some things on my mind…

Like, I want to become a dancer. I need to make money, and fast, and by doing this, I get to enjoy work and make shitloads of cash. Also meaning I'll be able to pay off soooo many things, starting with my loans. I would be able to actually afford school without being in debt. That's the idea anyway. But, here's the thing. I have a boyfriend. He isn't comfortable at all with me doing this. That's issue number one. Issue number two is that ever since I got that DUI, this is the ONLY job I can actually get. Not even Wendy's will hire me, or Kroger.

I don't want my boyfriend to feel uncomfortable with me working, but I really need the money. Personally, I'd love to have the job. It's a LOT of fun, and I get paid to do it. About a year ago, my boyfriend actually woke me up, and told me that he had a list of places he wanted me to call to see if they were hiring. At first, I was was confused, then shocked because I found out that these places he had lined up for me to call were all strip clubs. He was perfectly fine with me working at one of these places. He even happily drove me to the strip club for my audition, but they wouldn't let him in because he wasn't wearing pants. He had shorts on, so he left to buy some pants and come back. By that time, I was backstage getting ready to go up. I got to pick out two songs, and dance to it. The owner said I was hired, and that I could start working that night. I told my boyfriend, and he wanted to think about it.

Now, when I bring this up, he is completely against it, but it's something I really want to do. He tells me to do what I want, but when it comes to this, there's always a wall blocking me from doing what I want. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do.

I've been thinking lately about my living situation, my relationship. Now, we've been together for about 2.5 years. This is the only guy I've ever been in a real relationship with. This is pretty much my first relationship. I mean, if I count high school kisses, this would be the second guy I've ever kissed, and my third "relationship." Soo, obviously, I'm not a very experienced person. Maybe that's why I'm kind of leaning away from this relationship? I just don't know. It makes me cry thinking about this, but I need to get this out. I love the guy, I really do, but there are sooo many options out there. I'm young, still in college, working on becoming a doctor. I can't just settle down this quick. I met him fresh out of high school.

I was working a job, living on my own, paying rent, all that stuff. Then, I met him, and about 2 months later, we got together. At the time, I called myself a lesbian, even though I had only been with one girl, actually two if I count the kissing again. Like, before I met my boyfriend, there was only one person who had seen me naked that year, which was my ex-girlfriend. This is the first guy to actually see me. Not even a doctor had seen me, even though that's supposed to happen during like puberty. Heh.

Soo, we got together because I wanted to try it out. After about aweek, I moved into his place to save money. Plus, he had offered to let me stay for free a couple months back. i moved in, then I went to Mississippi with my cousin for a trip that we had planned out months before. He hated that, I loved it. I quit smoking for him, because I knew he didn't like smokers. Like, it's good that I quit, but the cravings didn't go anywhere. I still get them every once in a while, especially when extremely anxious. But, I quit MY way this year, like a month ago, well, nearly a month. Actually, I think it was more like two weeks ago….Oh, I don't remember. I just know I quit recently. But, the last actual cigarette I had was on my birthday.

I know, this is a looooong drwan out story of nonsense, and I'll just cut it short. Lately, I've been thiking that maybe I should end this relationship. This way, I can do what I want, when I want, and no one would really care, or at least the people I really care the thoughts of won't be around to care. But, the main thing that's stopping me is fear. I'm afraid that I'll want to come back to him, and that he won't take me back. I'm afraid that he won't accomplish everything he wants to in life. I'm afraid he won't get a degree, or move back to England, or make new friends. I'm afraid he'll find a better girl than me, and definitely would never take me back. I'm afraid he'll realize how shitty I am, and how better a girlfriend can be. I'm afriad I'll be miserable forever, regardless what I do….

I feel like I'm miserable now because of this relationship. I feel trapped. But, I also feel like if I leave this relationship, I'll miss it. And that too will make me miserable.

It's just been really difficult for me lately…..*sigh*