Day. Day was. Could have been worse. Popped two xannax because all I want to do is sleep this shit away. Nights are so lonely, I just need a friendly face. Tommorrow will go to gym with chris, so I guess it’s okay.
Logic. Today. Came in, planning to confront Alex, he was not at his seat. Sat down. Class started. No Alex, a guy took his seat. I thought, "this bitch isn’t even giving me an out, he’s just going to sit somewhere else and ignore me". Got txt from Alex as he came in looking at his filled seat next to me "nice friends". Slightly relieved, still on edge for 50 min. Saw him after class. "We need to talk". He was waiting for me, but on his way out, no time for lunch, for the second time, dirty work laundry had to be done, he has work at 3. Said it would not take long. Told him I saw on facebook he is in a relationship. He asked what? Has not checked facebook, he says, because he can’t bear to. His ex broke up with him, and he couldn’t stand to go on fb and remove the status/see her on fb. Not sure if he’s lying but prob not.
Either way, he apologized, said he was not an asshole. "I don’t know what I want right now". Told him, I don’t know you, but if you’re looking for a fuck buddy let me know, I’m not looking for that in the future, I’m looking for something long term. Shook his head, repeated what he said. Walked me home. Home with no roommates, told him so, he said, he HAD to do laundry for work tonight. I can rationalize that or I can say….who passes THAT up for laundry? Wear something dirty. Not sure what to do because was looking for him to admit to having a gf or to not being into me. Instead has said he does not have a gf, likes me, but is still unsure about where to go.
I kind of wish he’d just bitched out on me. I don’t feel strong in grey areas. This morning I felt strong because I was having to kick him to the curb. Now feel weak because am too much of a pussy to get with real man. A friend of mine once had a talk with me about how she is really busy, but for friends, for a special guy, you make the time. He said something about thurs. That just leaves me hanging on his word. Hates it. Will not txt him thurs, see what he does, class together is canceled that day.
Just want to go to sleep. Plans, plans make me feel same, feel good. I need plans, but have no one to make plans with. Any plan makes me feel better. Last night’s plan: ditch alex….felt great. Tonight’s plan:??….alone feel awful. Hate being this needy, but I guess things need to be said and put out there, asked, answered and pondered. Want things to be okay. Sleep. Sleep first.
