So today was my first day back at university, after a long summer where i chose to rehabilitate from an undelightful past semester. Last semester was so draining for me. Most of my days were stressful as I could feel myself rolling into a ball and blocking people out. My anxiety grew to a point where I would have physical discomfort. My jaw and neck muscles would to get to tense (still do sometimes) and it felt awkward to even speak. I had never known it would be this hard to just let go and be myself. Trying to fit in made me nervous on top of trying to keep on top of my grades.

I made up my mind to try to return balance in my life during the summer. I tried my best to meditate when i remembered too. Listening to daily affirmations really helped to keep in focus.  When i say helped, I really mean only slightly. MY patterns of negative thoughts still lingered but i could always envision a better state of being, one where i was on top of things and feeling so free spirited. But that dream kept slipping through my hands.

I got into the habit of writing my thoughts down i poems, I just needed to get the words out my head. I also realised that I would tend to avoid social interactions so when the moment arrived I forced myself to stand through them and not avoid people. At some points I would get bursts of joy from feeling like Im finally living how I wanted to. I downloaded a buddhist quote app, I am app, Thankful for app to keep me in check. The quotes were insightful and made me happy. I spent time around family and tried to block negative thoughts about people but instead view them as avenues for inspiration.

Today was the first day back at school and I was so determined to dwell in the progress I thought I made. It was hard. It was hard because I was around the same stimulus that I was in last semester. Even in me wanted to return to that shy girl that couldnt express herself the way she wanted to. But I knew I had to do the oppositie of my fears. The ‘Fear Cure’ by Lissa Rankin pointed out the difference between true and false fear. I was imagining all the worst case scenarios when really, there was a whole happy world out there. A blessing out there for me but my own mind was so protective that it blinded my insights and clouded the third eye.

Day two is tommorow and as I reflect on today I have made progress because I have chosen to move on inspite of the fear and anxiety. I have not failed because I have not given up.

20 Things that helped me:

  1. the Fear Cure by Lissa Rankin
  2. listening to daily positive affirmations
  3. meditation at sunset
  4. 10 things I’m grateful for before I go to bed
  5. waking up and saying ‘thank you’
  6. thinking about all the things I can do right
  7. no gossip
  8. buddist quotes app
  9. I am app and Thankful app
  10. looking at the light in people not their bad parts
  11. not avoiding people, making the first move in converstation
  12. time alone after time spent around people
  13. spending time with family
  14. sharing what I was reading with a friend
  15. smiling for no reason
  16. writing thoughts down as poetry
  17. acupressure points for stress relief
  18. making TO DO lists for the day
  19. praying for teachers everyday
  20. Dr Joe Dispenza’s book ‘Breaking the habit of being yourself’

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