To-days blog appears to be ambiguous, but my thoughts are all over the map and the only way I can sort them into their appointed groups is to just let them spill out, as they want to be heard. So please bear with me as I catalogue just as I try to be patient with myself.

I must have lay awake for hours last night, listening to the earth breathing, the winds buffeting my windows, the occasional slosh of the wet road as a lone car passed. I listen in the darkness as the earth slowly awoke, heard the gulls calling, knowing that I only hear them when the ground is fully saturated with rain, as they prefer the coastal areas. I heard the traffic slowly increase and knew it was after six o’clock. I thought I might as well get up, as it was painfully apparent I was not going to get back to sleep.

I instinctively flipped the switches for the light box that sits high atop my glass bookshelves. It has been seven days since the sky has lightened to anything but a tarnished silver. I knew my body’s solar battery is all but depleted.

It has been five hours since I got up and now I watch as pewter clouds scud across the sky bringing with them the next rainstorm. I have no energy, I cannot think clearly, I dressed and headed out in the car but could not remember where I was going or why, so came home.

Yesterday I had a great interview for a job that I would really like to have. I was being interviewed, or so I thought, for a simple position I applied for at the beginning of December, but as the interview progressed I was told I would be a great choice for a new position they were creating. I was the first of seven scheduled appointments. After an hour of talking with the company owner and his operations manager, the owner shook my hand and told me he liked me. Always a positive, but now I wait to see how the others stack up against me.

Wednesday I made a cold call in person and spoke with the Human Resources Manager of a different company who was in the process of looking for a person for another newly created position, one in Marketing. It too went well and I was given a list of what she was looking for in the ideal candidate and asked to create a resume and portfolio to present to her. She will have no problem finding someone far more qualified than I for that position, she will find someone with a degree in the fields she needs. I will contact her on Monday and thank her for her time.

I find it funny that both conversations had the interviewers comment on the fact I appeared to have “Corporate” tattooed across my back. I try so very hard to dress down and not be intimidating. I know I can have a strong personality, but that was not always the case.

Strength comes with knowledge, especially knowledge of self. I am considered an extroverted introvert. I prefer the peace and tranquility of anonymity, I have always been dreadfully shy and very private. I have endured stresses and losses, a despair that knows no boundaries and flatly refused to give in. In that battle to maintain life I have taken courses, learned more in-depth about “self”, I have come to understand my faith and applied the tools to be strong. I have taken management courses geared primarily to interaction between personality types and how to get the best results from others and myself in a given situation.

I had a neuro-assesment done, the report suggested a course in self-esteem and assertiveness training would be of benefit. The doctor also suggested I find a counseling service, as I tend to disassociate from my past. I contacted the worker I go to for my mental issues and she has given me a number and person to connect with to set up a councilor. She pointed out these councilors are students and that it may be of benefit to both the student and I. I would get someone to talk to and the student would get a mentor.

How is it that I cannot see what others see in me? I guess that is why a self-esteem course was suggested.

I am so tired, I keep trying to rest but sleep evades me.

I want to hear about the job I interviewed for yesterday, I want to hear I got it and that my concern about a job is over, that I will once again have the structure of going to a job every day.

I have released al my fears and concerns from my own personal “god” to my Higher God. We all have our God in some form or another, the Light we see as being universal, to some a religion. I also believe in my own personal “god”. That higher part of self that I talk to, confess to, ask for strength from. I do not force my beliefs on others and refuse to listen to those who tell me there is only One God, their God. I honor their faith, religion and their right to believe as they see fit. We all have to go with what works for us as individuals.

Perhaps now I can get some sleep or at least rest my all to weary mind and continue to watch and listen to life as it moves around me and through me.