If I'm not on here right now I would be so depressed because I have absolutely nothing to do until I have to pick my son up in an hour. I've always looked to online for social interaction. i'm so social online! lol I find that I was on a lot of dating sites just because I wanted to talk to people. And it worked for a while. Until I got serious with my boyfriend and couldn't do those sites anymore. Then it was just facebook, but facebook isn't that fun because you need real friends to be on facebook. I do homework and that kills the time but I have no schoolwork to do. i feel ok but i have nothing to do. when i have nothing to do i slip. if i wasn't on here right now i'd curl up into a ball and take a nap on my couch for an hour, or i'd eat something and get fat. that's another thing i do. i eat. i have gained so much weight in the past few years. i was pregnant and gained 80 lbs – after the pregnancy, that all dissapeared and i was back in a size six!!! now – 7 years after my pregnancy i'm a god-damn size 10 or 12. and it makes me feel so gross and hate myself so much and i convince myself that i am going to starve myself for a while – and then i see something yummy at the grocery store and eat too much of it. it tastes good but i feel like shit afterwards. i bought nutri-system but i don't think it works the same when i eat 2 dinners at once. ugh.

i'm stressing and just writing about my stress, sorry if your reading all about my misery. i am just glad i can do this and know that it is ok to vent. i got some new meds and i think they work. i have a big meeting on tuesday that i have to run so we'll see how much my propanolol works. or however you spell it. My doctor gave me propanolol to ease the tremors i have in my hands and also to help with my public speaking and anxiety. so hopefully it works. we'll see. i don't know what to do right now, i can't just get off here and do nothing or go eat something. this is my problem. i have no one to talk to. my bf is at work. he works 24 hr shifts as a firefighter and lives 40 minutes away so i never see him. i'm starting to see now though that he actually sees me a lot when you look at the facts. he drives from a big city to see me sometimes only for a few hours, and he ALWAYS gets stuck in traffic. so that's a good thing. i am starting to see that he actually loves me. i am now wondering if we are going to go further. this is something my old therapist said. my train of thought goes full speed ahead. i just went from i'm bored to i wonder if i'm going anywhere with my bf. ugh. i want to go further with him. i really do. but HOW. whatever. i need to find something to do. i think i'll go do my crosstitch for a while. i don't usually do that unless it's late at night though. i really wish i had homework. homework makes me feel better.