Woke up this morning, head first into an anxiety attack. Eric isn't here beacuase during the week he teaches at a school in anothe state (visiting professor position), and on top of that feel like I'm going to be fired from my new job.
I had been looking for even just an adjunct position so that I can teach art at the college level and I DID, only there were only openings in the Graphic Design Dept. So I'm teaching a Photoshop class which is a LARGE class, filled with nasty, spoiled, and disrespectful students. This class gives me SO MUCH anxiety and SPIKES my OCD to the point where I have to take half a Klonopin just to survive teaching the 4 hr class. I keep getting thoughts in my head that I'm a joke, no one respects me, and I will either be fired or let go from this position and I wil forever be a running joke to the other adjuncts and administration.
It has taken me all of 2 years since I graduated college to find these adjuncting positions and now I feel like I'm just ruining it because I can't do anything right. I feel like I just can't do anything right unless I'm in a room by myself, painting. I am so scared about next semester. These positions are still temporary since adjuncts are not hired full time. What if niether of the two colleges asks me back? What if I f' up my reputation at both schools and am never given another chance to teach there again and I have to get an awful job where I have to be stuck the rest of my life. I almost don't want to know how my life ends up…becuase i wonder, how can it be anything but awful?