This is a copy paste of my forum post, but I really feel liek I shoul d have made it a blog in the first place.. I didn't really know how to re-write these feelings, so this seemed like the best way to start my blog out.
I am 26 years old and since I can remember I've been dealing with terrible anxiety over just about everything in my life. I struggled in high school, i dropped out of college, I can't hold jobs, and it's been getting worse as the yeras go on.
Right now a friend basically finances my existence. I have no job, I have no money, I have no insurance with which to seek help. When i try and work a full time job and try to improve my situation.. i don't know how to describe it.. It only takes a efw days working before I start having panix attacks and just can't do it anymore. I've tried part time jobs, and then it maybe takes two weeks for the process to happen, on top of the fact that the money I make part time doesn't even help all that much.
It's hard to explain how it makes me feel. It's a combination of social anxiety, paranoia, not relating to other people whatsoever, feeling out of control of my life.. like my life has been reduced to doign the same thing over and over and I just can't take it. It leads to severe depression as well. I have sought state-sponsored help before, but they threw me in a psych ward for a week and I simply can't put myself through that again.
On a positive note I have been reading html css etc books to try and build a small web site business from home that I can do on my own time, but even that is hard for me to really sit down and do before i start to feel bad (or my eyes hurt reading off of a monitor, since I have no money for books, and the library's stock is less than desired)
So I'm kind of at a loss. I know I need help. I know I can't stay shacked in my room all the time and be terrified of the outside world. I know I can't rely on my friend to live my life, especially when I do want more than that for myself. People tell me to seek goverment assistance, but they don't know where to start and niether do I.
Elend, and escaping into the online game that i sadly still play are the only things keeping me afloat, so I am here as well tryign to open up, look for some support, and maybe even some leads on how I can deal with my problems.
Well that way maybe A week ago, and I've made some positive changes. I've quit WoW, I've started working out a few times a week, and I going to improve my diet. All positive steps in my life, but I still feel like there is so much to do, and i am feeling overwhelmed. I had a wave of terror just looking at a maryland state Department of Health and Mental Hygene site, and that is supposed to be something that will help me. My home life is fairly stable, though not what I want or can deal with for ever.. or even much longer. My love life feels so great right now, but why does even the idea of dealign with my problems, or dealing with the outside world send me into such horrid panic that I can't function? I'm trying to take baby steps, but what happens when I run out of baby steps and hit a big step? I'm so afraid of breaking the promises I made to myself, and those important to me. Why did it all seem so simple 10 minutes ago? Why does it all seem so impossible now? I'm trying to focus on what is right ahead of me, on the steps I can take right now, and what is making me happy right now, and keep going, but it's so hard when you look up and see how far you are from your goal. And the Crazy thing is, none of it seems that hard to me. I don't want to be a millionaire. I know It's not hard to spend 2 or 3 hours a week working out, I know I can learn programming languages easy as pie, I know i can make a few calls and see a doctor easily. these are the things in front of me, I just don't know why I can't deal with them like the small things they are.. why when i come to the step, it suddenly seems like too much, why sometimes just looking at a simple html books makes my stomach turn. I put it off and put it off and put it off and before you know it everyone has given up on me. Add now I have someone in my life who I really can't afford to let give up on me. and I won't. sometiems when thinsg are hard and I can't get myself to do what must be done, i know that letting myself down is letting her down, and I can't do that anymore, I just cant always control my bouts of terror, or panic attacks. I need help.
Argh I'm sure that was rather stream of consciousness and didn't make much sense, but it feels good to put it out there. I hope someone has gone through this, and someone can tell me where to start.
making this post was a baby step i told myself I would make.. so.. progress.