If I'm not on here right now I would be so depressed because I have absolutely nothing to do until I have to pick my son up in an hour. I've always looked to online for social interaction. i'm so social online! lol I find that I was on a lot of dating sites just because I wanted to talk to people. And it worked for a while. Until I got serious with my boyfriend and couldn't do those sites anymore. Then it was just facebook, but facebook isn't that fun because you need real friends to be on facebook. I do homework and that kills the time but I have no schoolwork to do. i feel ok but i have nothing to do. when i have nothing to do i slip. if i wasn't on here right now i'd curl up into a ball and take a nap on my couch for an hour, or i'd eat something and get fat. that's another thing i do. i eat. i have gained so much weight in the past few years. i was pregnant and gained 80 lbs – after the pregnancy, that all dissapeared and i was back in a size six!!! now – 7 years after my pregnancy i'm a god-damn size 10 or 12. and it makes me feel so gross and hate myself so much and i convince myself that i am going to starve myself for a while – and then i see something yummy at the grocery store and eat too much of it. it tastes good but i feel like shit afterwards. i bought nutri-system but i don't think it works the same when i eat 2 dinners at once. ugh.

i'm stressing and just writing about my stress, sorry if your reading all about my misery. i am just glad i can do this and know that it is ok to vent. i got some new meds and i think they work. i have a big meeting on tuesday that i have to run so we'll see how much my propanolol works. or however you spell it. My doctor gave me propanolol to ease the tremors i have in my hands and also to help with my public speaking and anxiety. so hopefully it works. we'll see. i don't know what to do right now, i can't just get off here and do nothing or go eat something. this is my problem. i have no one to talk to. my bf is at work. he works 24 hr shifts as a firefighter and lives 40 minutes away so i never see him. i'm starting to see now though that he actually sees me a lot when you look at the facts. he drives from a big city to see me sometimes only for a few hours, and he ALWAYS gets stuck in traffic. so that's a good thing. i am starting to see that he actually loves me. i am now wondering if we are going to go further. this is something my old therapist said. my train of thought goes full speed ahead. i just went from i'm bored to i wonder if i'm going anywhere with my bf. ugh. i want to go further with him. i really do. but HOW. whatever. i need to find something to do. i think i'll go do my crosstitch for a while. i don't usually do that unless it's late at night though. i really wish i had homework. homework makes me feel better.

1 Comment
  1. punkey 8 years ago

    First let me tell you that your not gross or fat.You may not be At your ideal weight right now,but your still beautiful with self discipline and healthy eating you can achieve your ideal weight also just focus and stay in the present with your bf. Don\'t worry about the future.

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