Ok, Hi I’m new here um I have ocd with intrusive thoughts. Ok so here I go. I actually was doing better. I was good for like 5 days and then 45 minutes ago happened. So I my intrusive thoughts cause me to get anxious, which causes fear, which usually causes me to get a weird feeling down there. I walked into my mom’s room and she was watching the news and it was about a guy who molested a baby. First of all, ewwww who molest a baby. An innocent baby. That was my thought, but I could feel the intrusive thought coming, and it came and it was gross. I remember thinking why do I think this and then of course I analyzed it by saying to myself. You don't like the fact that this sexual act was done to the child, but you do like sex, that's usually how I separate my thoughts from who I really am. so I start thinking, you don't like the thought of sex with a child because it's wrong and immoral and just wrong on so many levels, but with a guy it's cool, you don't want someone to touch a child's privates, but then I think, but I probably would if it was an adult. Example: child's penis vagina, it's gross and disgusting thinking of doing anything to them because it's a child with pure heart and mind. adult man penis adult women vagina, oh yeah I can enjoy those thoughts because I like sex, I mean I’m 20, of course I do and my hormones are crazy, especially because I have never had sex. So even before this happened a moment ago I had already thought to myself I’m horny, but I told myself you don't need to masturbate, then this happened. I kept going back and forth about how if it were an adult having sex it would be ok and then I started thinking man I really like se when it's ok and proper and then I was walking and thought well why not? So I went online watched porn got more excited, then I started thinking more you can't do this you got hornier from such an ugly intrusive thought. Like this is my logic you had intrusive thought that brought on a lot of feelings and you started thinking about sex, while just a moment ago you had a bad thought. I thought ewwww, I’m gross, but at the time I didn't think about it, I didn't think I was doing anything bad.. So here I am stopping myself again from masturbating, it's like when I will be able to do this without feeling guilty. So today I’m not going to relieve it. I don't want to make it any worse right now, it's like the bad thought doesn't make me get hot, it's the just the sex part, like it's the very idea of sex makes me horny, not my bad thought. Why can't I be normal? It's like if my thoughts get me aroused should I relive it? I never thought about it before when I was younger I just sort of did it, but now I think too much about it. I wish these thoughts would stop, I’m really trying hard to fight them and I am getting better at it. It's not like I masturbate all the time, only when I want to. Thank you. I'm glad I have somewhere to write where I won't be judge and called a creep, I’m not, I just think to much. 🙁 Please no negatives comments please. 🙂

1 Comment
  1. Mommaofthree 8 years ago

    I remember reading a story of a man who raped his two year old daughter repeatedly. I have a two year old daughter so it upset me very very much. My first reaction was disgust and pain and then the obsessive thoughts came. I think as ocd'ers we are so imaginative. We put ourselves in the place of the criminal. So if we do that and focus on our feelings ( physical and mental) of course we will feel a sensation down there. That dosnt mean we enjoy it, we are just aware of it. That's all that is. It's painful, I know. I cried so hard the day I let that horrible article affect me, make me think I could do that, that I could enjoy that.NO. It's all the illness it's not our real feelings. Because we are polar opposite of someone who would do that it shocks us and gives us the most anxiety. We are safer than most people because we are so overly aware. I am sorry that you are going through this, but you aren't alone. Broken brain, not broken soul. Xo take care.

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