If I had any guts at all, I'd end my suffering. It seems those in this much pain should be allowed to end everything. I don't understand people who find strength to keep going. I have no one to talk to face-to-face about this…like I've said the counselors at this college are a joke when it comes to serious issues. I feel like I should just walk to the only sliver of hope I have left: the one therapist in this college town. They'd probably call an ambulance so fast I'd wonder if I was ever there.
That's one thing I've learned about depression and "talk" therapy. There is a line you must not cross and it differs with different therapists and people. I find myself looking for comfort in any form: food and self harm is looming over me like a cloud. What could a stupid Naltrexone do? I don't know and just don't have the energy to make myself take one. The Naltrexone is to curve the urge to cut. It is also used for smokers and drinkers. But my mom would never take medication to help her. She'll allow the doctors to give it to her daughter at 13 and make her dependent on them but she won't take them. WTF????? I find this fact totally….twisted (for the lack of a better word). She's told me–while she was spilling her guts about drinking too much–that medication for depression or any medication of that sort, she is against. I'm trying to understand where the logic in that is? I guess this topic is another invisible elephant in the room. She clearly can't control her drinking and medication may help her. She can read every book on the topic of drinking she wants but that only gets you so far. For her she has a week (or a month at the most) of not drinking then it's back to the "good life." I guess I still harbor some bad feelings. Oh what does any of this matter? No one cares or would notice if the negative blogs stopped.


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