I went to church yesterday for the first time since I was about 11 years old. I went because my daughters have been going to the youth program there and my son has never been. I am ashamed that I never took them, but I have a reason. I had really bad experiences in church, so I just figured I'd teach my kids myself. They are not ignorant of Christianity or the Bible. But it has come upon me here lately that I should be taking them to church. So I did and it was great. We will keep going. It was ironic that the sermon was about depression and our thoughts. He did say one thing I did not agree with though, he said that sooner or later we become our thoughts and that we can control our thoughts. I do not think that is completely true. I think everyone in this group knows that we cannot completely control all thoughts. If we could, there would be no such thing as OCD. I believe we can call upon different thoughts, but we cannot control random thoughts. And I certainly do not believe that we become our thoughts. He should have said that preoccupying ourselves with our thoughts could take over our lives, in that we let the depression and anxiety take over… or something to that effect. Despite all that, I did leave there with a renewed sense of hope. I have always been a Christian, but I left there a more dedicated one.
I am going to my second therapy session tomorrow. She was supposed to come up with a plan for my treatment. My harm ocd thoughts were pretty rampant yesterday morning, but after the service, I noticed I was not paying them attention. I mean, I was not reacting to them at all. I think I ony noticed them because part of my mind is always on the lookout for them. Here's a question I'd like an answer to. Once the thoughts start going andI get past this, is it normal to feel guilty, still, that I ever had those thoughts to begin with? Or will that weird guilt and apprehension go too? I do not mean my thoughts, why do I feel so bad about them? I should feel bad – they are awful. And they scare me. But I'm going to have hope. I am going to go through my days one at a time. There has to be something better around this corner.