Happy 4th of July Weekend…Yes that is what it is…How tough at times it is to be us…Maybe it is the "early in sobriety"  thing, I am not sure it even matters.  I have maintained that this place is a blessing for me…I can speak, vent, bitch,  just be BE ME…and not have to fear the persecution from others (not that i should care what other people think)  I can see that I am pretty upset right now.  I would like to get it out  which is why I am blogging.

Yesterday is gone, many things did not happen as they were supposed to and now are moved til today, and I have moved parts of my day to accomodate it,  and I think that I may just get taken advantage of, or let my feelings get hurt. As much as it gets easier it gets more complex for me.  I am so FUCKING ANGRY, like "ME" doesnt matter and I am supposed to be ok with that and I AM NOT.  I have 2 friends that I have gotten close to and neither of them are good for me, one spends alot of time in the co-dependant mode (my old dear friend codependance….) which is somewhere I dont need to still be, and the other still wants to save me and make it all better.  Both still drink…and talk about it very matter a factly…I stay why? I sit there and listen why?  Is it  that contact…that human touch…they take intrest in me, even when treating my less than nice at least I know they are there and real. I know exactly what I have to do…yet I resist… 

I had decided that I needed to detach from one of them yesterday, the day before we had a disagreement over basically nothing and I realized that this is a bad situation for me.  One that I will just keep letting happen and wonder why I am spinning my tires…SO she texted me and I went over, I stood at a distance planning my words and deciding exactly what to say, since I needed to be precise.  As I walk closer, she hugged me and squeezed me tight, then I spoke..I said…"I will not talk about what is going on with me or my problems, I will stop that up if you will just be my friend…" OMG WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT….What did I do? In an instant I validated the fact that I dont matter…I know this isnt true… but that is what I said isnt it? 

Now what is mike looking for or trying to find? RIght now the thought of that question brings me anxiety…old thoughts and ways so want to creep back in…no they are creeping in..

I try to err on the side of caution, trying to be safe…HA…yeah ok, that would be why anyone I am involved with right now (female that is)is either married or in a relationship…see then I cant get attached or hurt…I know where I stand…Yet I still ask for them to be honest with themselves and their significant others if nothing else….Seems thats not as easy for some, I have caused enough damage to peoples lives and relationships that I dont want to do that anymore…

 

I know I need to focus on me, and that being alone is not a big deal..I am most of the time anyway..I have gotten somewhat use to it I do have my moments that I cling and grab at everything…even when it is not good for me, Just SO I CAN FEEL SOMETHING…..

 

I do not have the same level of comfort in talking with men right now…I am sure that its a trust issue thing, and I dont want to be told I am just being a stupid petty little needy fucking insecure insignificant thing and that i need to grow up…I know these things…I am trying…More than you know…I dont want another FATHER FIGURE TO berate and belittle me…Though he doesnt directly do that anymore…he still calls me everyday….starts out most of the time by complaining about the weather and then I get to hear who is an asshole and then we progress into the "SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING TODAY"  which I still take as an interrogation and personal attack just like it was growing up.  THat I have to explain and justify everything I was doing or going to do. 

So I sit here, trying to explain to myself why I dont have the answers, mostly because they are things that I do not have control over… and never did…I feel that if I do not know what is going on I can not plan accordingly… I have never really been aboe to just go with the flow…Unless I was using…then I was numb and didnt care…

No I take that back…I spent a good piece of some  years locked in my room…only allowed out for meals and piano or if there was a social event of sorts…I had an answer then…You are not allowed to feel a fucking thing, I own you…you are NOTHING…I decide what you will do…your every movement…

 

Ya know what FUCK YOU….

So god damn alone I was….

no one to protect me…

no one Believed me…

Im all done with this…

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