It's fascinating to me how my moods fluctuate in an instant. Hypomania keeps me talking 100 miles an hour, laughing. Then my anger kicks in and I'm ready to bite someone's face off. My job triggers me to the point where I can't interact with the clients. In fear that I might say something offensive. Sometimes I can't control what comes out of my mouth. I feel bad about passing the buck to my co-worker. He understands. My mouth can get me in trouble. The depression kicks in at the end of my shift and I just can't wait to go home. My husband is up by then and getting ready to go to his job. He was in a mood today…… His moods affect mine so much. I was happy to be around him….. then a sudden rush of depression took hold. It wasn't what he said but how he said it. It wasn't mean but you could tell he was stressed. When he's like that it makes me want to run away. I love my husband very much, don't get me wrong. It's that I have alot going on my self to carry his feelings too. I worry too much I guess. At times I want to dig a hole and climb in. Today was one of those days. Then I couldn't sleep much so I'm tired and tomorrow is going to be a long day. I have a med appointment and then a CPI training til 4pm. when I finally get to go home and sleep before coming back to work 6hrs later. This is one of those times when I'm thankful for being an insomniac. I should be ok I think.
I accidently cut my hand at work at the beggining of the shift and I didn't even feel it. It was like my whole body went numb. Thank God it wasn't too deep.
I just want to go home and lay in the darkest room in the house. I hate feeling like this. I've been all over the place for a long while now. I don't think the meds are working. Been having hallucinations of the scent variety, which is alot better that seeing the scary ones. Hearing the mumbled voices, or that weird feeling that I'm being watched. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy, like I should sign my self back into the psych ward for a few days. I don't know how much longer I could pretend to be ok. I put on a mask when I can but other days it's alot to handle and the beast inside me wants out. By that I mean that I get agressive and its very hard to control. Sometimes I do want to let it out of it's cage…. scare the crap out of people. Maybe then They would understand what I'm living with. Until then they might think "oh, she'll get over it". What they don't get is that its here for life. Caged up inside where the world is filled with darkness and rage.