So it turns out, with the right amount of Irish whiskey, one can overcome a great number of fears.
When one is grieving, for a pet, for a friend, for anything serious that has been lost or is being lost, like my tarantula last night (who seems to be pulling through…or dying…I can't tell and he's so damn old it could be either), it's tradition between Sir and I to hit the bottle.
And by hitting the bottle, I don't mean hitting any bottle – it's whiskey. Not whisky, not Canadian, not mixed, straight whiskey in a lowball glass for me, and from the bottle for Sir. Sir was much less upset by this, so he was DD, and took me out for some of my favorite – Jameson.
Few things can't be solved by fried bar food, queso, whiskey, and the now-rare clove cigarettes.
I got to see two people I haven't seen in a very, very long time. I feel like I've written that recently. In any case, working 7 nights a week from 11pm to 7am does not make for an active social life. Now that I have "weekends," or at least I have two days off a week anyways, I can actually do things again. I saw people, I drank, I talked about everything else, I told some stories I probably shouldn't have…
And then I went to my house. Inside my house. I visited my little Ed. I removed his crickets so they wouldn't eat him while he was vulnerable. I touched his quivering little leg and shut the cage.
I sat on a dirty floor and played with the foster kittens I haven't seen in weeks from my fear of going into that room. Sir had just changed the litter, so it wasn't that bad. They are doing wonderfully, and all I need to do is get some photos of them to adopt them out.
A few minutes later, I slept on our own couch.
I slept. Inside my house. I can't remember the last time I had the courage to do that. Whiskey fixes everything. Of course, when I woke up, I had to leave and leave fast, but I did get to put some things away and see my pets. I consider everything except Ed's health a HUGE success, and while I do not want to do it again anywhere in the near future please no I really don't want to no, I feel a little bit invincible.
Who knows? Maybe today after work, I'll unpack a box. Or not. We'll just have to see. I just think yesterday was a really great day, and I hope I have more like it.
One last thing – has anyone tried email counseling? I am sincerely considering it. The number one thing I hate about shrinks is the brick wall effect – if I wanted to talk to someone who said nothing back except "continue" and "hmm" I'd talk to a brick wall for free. But…email counseling seems involved. I would very much like to have an involved conversation with someone who can "assess" personally how to best overcome everything. For the first time in my life, I really have no idea why this is overpowering me, and the perspective might be worth it. Opinions, anyone?