Three days out of the week I am home alone while my girlfriend is at work. If you've seen/read my last blog entry, you already know that we have recently separated. It is really difficult for me because it isn't so black and white (what is, anyway?). We haven't officially "broken up" but I feel this terrible and constant anxiety in my chest like a waterfall crashing down through my rib cage or a stomach full of bees. She says she "doesn't know" what we are, what we're doing, what she wants, etc. and I am waiting for her to tell me what she needs.
I have decided to paint today because I think it would be good for me to do something creative with my mind other than obsessing about all the things I've done wrong and what I can do to make up for it. Of course I should be reflecting a healthy amount, but I've made myself absolutely ill analyzing everything and I've been interrogating her the last few days with questions. It's hard sometimes to separate yourself from the OCD. My OCD brain says, 'why don't you love me anymore? what do I do? what do you want? how can I be for you? don't go! tell me everything you're thinking every minute of every day and please think about me! …' and the other part of my brain says, I should calm down and give her time and space to heal and reflect on what she wants to do. I should let her make her own decisions and be prepared to respect the choices she makes. I should do art and focus on healing myself instead of being a whiny, begging, self-absorbed, mess. …. All I can think is, You're leaving me! you're leaving! and it makes my heart so sad I can't function. But I want to change my mantra to be, what can I do that is healthy for both her and I? How can I calm my nerves and give us both the peace we need?