Three days out of the week I am home alone while my girlfriend is at work. If you've seen/read my last blog entry, you already know that we have recently separated. It is really difficult for me because it isn't so black and white (what is, anyway?). We haven't officially "broken up" but I feel this terrible and constant anxiety in my chest like a waterfall crashing down through my rib cage or a stomach full of bees. She says she "doesn't know" what we are, what we're doing, what she wants, etc. and I am waiting for her to tell me what she needs.

I have decided to paint today because I think it would be good for me to do something creative with my mind other than obsessing about all the things I've done wrong and what I can do to make up for it. Of course I should be reflecting a healthy amount, but I've made myself absolutely ill analyzing everything and I've been interrogating her the last few days with questions. It's hard sometimes to separate yourself from the OCD. My OCD brain says, 'why don't you love me anymore? what do I do? what do you want? how can I be for you? don't go! tell me everything you're thinking every minute of every day and please think about me! …' and the other part of my brain says, I should calm down and give her time and space to heal and reflect on what she wants to do. I should let her make her own decisions and be prepared to respect the choices she makes. I should do art and focus on healing myself instead of being a whiny, begging, self-absorbed, mess. …. All I can think is, You're leaving me! you're leaving! and it makes my heart so sad I can't function. But I want to change my mantra to be, what can I do that is healthy for both her and I? How can I calm my nerves and give us both the peace we need?

2 Comments
  1. Efrain 9 years ago

     the first you need to do is to stop leaving together. period… then i would advise you  to get some kind of counseling as a way to keep yourself grounded as much as posible cause your ocd will kick in in overdrive.. even some meds for anxiety will help at the beguinnig…. the balance for emotions is rational thinking which in us ocd people is overcome with the doubt- fear that over power our minds….if she is the one for you and more importantly you are the one for her once everthing is put out there, you,ll be together… you are really young.. is just beguinning…good luck.

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  2. LalaBee_Rainbow 9 years ago

     Thank you, everyone, for your wisdom and your responses. It means a lot to me. You've all said such helpful things and although it is something I must figure out for myself, it feels really good to feel supported by a community and receive the opinions of others to help me consider what's best.

     

    I know that I will survive, but everything just seems so difficult right now. If she's the One, which I think she is, I believe we will end up together even if she needs time right now. Hopefully we can mature and grow as people and get to know ourselves better over time. I used to think that we are too young for love, but I realize that you don't decide when love finds you.

     

    Again, Thank you for your kindnesses. 

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