I wrote in my previous blog about having to put my jingles down. My anxiety has been through the roof since doing so . The guilt and what ifs are tearing my brain apart.
He was 4 and diagnosed with the start of kidney diease a few months back … I think it was earlier in the summer some time. the past couple of months hes been losing weight and boxing day he got sick he didnt seem to be getting any better. Everyone says you shouldnt be selfish and you should put them out of their missery . So why do I feel like a monster for doing that ? and why is ocd so cruel… why do i constantly think things that make me feel terrible. its like he was sick everyone was telling me he was sick but my mind is telling me " what if he wasnt really sick" and mom says those are thoughts that even someone who doesnt have ocd would have after putting down a pet but the guilt I feel is unbearable. I even took videos of him the day I put him down so that if my mind did that to me I could look at the videos and remember the truth that he was a sick cat and that I did the right thing.
I keep telling myself that its better for me to be suffering like I am now and him to be at peace then for it to be the other way around !
I'm so terribly upset I feel numb and like my head is burning and my stomach is too and it doesnt stop.
my heart is broken
This is my favourite picture of my boo bear ! R.I.P Precious Angel ! I will always love you <3
Im sorry for your of loss of your precious cute kitty!
thanks guys ! I found this online last night and it gave me a great amount of peace …
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die…
-Anonymous
the last few days he was with me his eyes were so empty and he had absolutely no energy he could barely walk … it was like his sweet little soul had already moved on. thats why I think this helped me so much. The night he passed I came home to a stray cat picking through my garbage ….. so I took the wet food I had bought for jingles the night before that wasnt opened and brought it out for the stray … it was one I haddent seen around before and I said to mom " it's a sign from jingles" .