I should be really happy now. I'm engaged to a guy who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, I live on a farm, which is something I've actually always dreamed of because I love animals, and here I am…contemplating suicide almost every day latley. Actually, I can say that I've been this way since even before we moved in to this place abouit 2 months ago, since I was still dealing with my mother leaving my family for some other asshole. I STILL think about my mother every day. I STILL think about all of the warm, loving times that I had when my family was whole, Yeah, I still have my family, no one is dead, but it almost feels as if they are. Besides the point that my fiance and I moved an hour away, and I only see my father and brothers once a week, even when they're here… I still feel the sadness, and lonliness…sometimes its as though they're NOT here, even when they are. My mother really destroyed us, she says that "I'm not thinking of her as a woman with 'needs," but I'm sorry, woman with needs or not SHE HAD A FAMILY, a family is one of the ONLY things in this demented, twisted, f***** up world WORTH holding onto and FIGHTING for…you don't just WALK AWAY…she pretty much spit on us all, and flushed all of that meaning, love, bond, and identity as a mother down the toilet….but enough of that, I can go on about her for HOURS. The problem right now is…Eric works a 9-5 job that makes him MISERABLE. He's at the same time, doing an internship with this online company, which means he comes home from work at around 6, then has to jump right onto the computer…then I get barley like 10 minutes to talk to him. THen the SAMW THING happens the next day, and the next day and the nexty day, and during this WHOLE TIME..I'm AT HOME in this one bedroom cottage BY MYSELF ALL DAY. I have NO money, NO job, and NO friends that aren't an hour or more away from me…I don't even feel like getting in my car anymore and just going for a drive to calm myself down. I just want to sleep. Thats all I have the motivation or the energy to do…sleep and sleep some more. Eric knows I'm depressed, and he tries to be there for me as much as he can, but its just not enough…Becuase of all the shit with my family that happened this past year, I couldn't finish my THESIS PROJECT IN ORDER TO GET MY BFA DEGREE…so after fighting with the assholes at Montclair State University, and getting my shrinks involved, they granted me an extension on my thesis project until JULY 14…so I should be spending ALL THIS ALONE TIME that I have on finishing the GOD AWFUL PROJECT SO I CAN GET MY DAMNED DEGREE…but I'm TOO depressed, tired, ANGRY, and yesterday, for the FIRST time…I cut myself. I didn't cut deep enough to bleed, there's just a long welt across my inner arm,…I'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE..and when I realized what I had done, I dropped the knife and ran into bed and cried. I DID NOT TELL ERIC and I don't want him to find out, thats all he needs…but I feel like I'm really losing it and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Its not like I can look forward to our wedding because WE HAVE NO MONEY. I can't look forward to going on the annual family vacation to Maine because MY FAMILY IS PRETTY MUCH DEAD…I can't even look forward to ANY SORT OF CAREER because WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH AN ART DEGREE?..Work at a Walmart!? I have NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO EXCEPT MORE OF THIS , more pain, and more lonliness, I'm so lonley