It's been difficult. To say the least.

My OCD was under control for the longest. Or so I thought. My father would relay to me that I was getting worse several months ago. In the beginning, I disagreed and told him of ways I was getting better.

Eventually, I was hard-pressed to agree, but by then, it was becoming too late.

Right now, as I type this, I feel as though I might be wet, and I am worried about sitting the wrong way. My hands are white, and my wrists are very dry, to the point where it can hurt to turn them. I look at things in my room and say they are dirty, and that goes for the majority of the room. I cannot move.

I am holding off on urinating because I might have to shower, again.

I can't say I remember when I started to turn. I t was definitely gradual. Not having an outlet that I could use allowed my condition to slowly deteriorate without any positive change.

The most drastic changes I want to say have occurred in the past month. I didn't do nearly everything that I have been doing now.

I will try to list what I remember as I go along, but this will be a work in progress.

When I first started to notice, I felt the need to wash my hands more. My showers would get longer and longer to the point where I would start to use all the hot water, but it still wasn't as bad as it is now.

I feel anxious when I am home and have something on me that I feel I have to wash off before I can sit or lay down. I wash my hands constantly so that I can touch what I need to without trouble.

Before it was very hard to deal with, because I felt no control, and the anxiousness level was off the charts. I've cried. Now, I'm more dead about it. Like I don't have a choice. I don't know if its complacency, or just a feeling of defeat, but I just do it just so I don't have to deal with the consequences…

At work, its fine, because I tell myself I will wash later, and I most certainly do. I still wash my hands more than most, I use my knuckles to open doors, and I get ratted by hearing someone using a handkerchief or gagging, or loud coughing/sneezing.

For about 4-5 hours every day I come home. I usually wipe the floor after washing my hands because I feel that the floor has gotten dirty from me washing my hands. This is when I am dirty. If I am clean, I have to also use a lot of wipes on the exposed parts of my body so that I am capable of sitting down after work to keep myself clean.

In the shower:

I wash certain parts of my body 2-3 times. I usually start with my noes, and do that twice, to get all the snot that is there. While doing this, though, I also have to clean the luffa off so that nothing lingers so I can move on to the next part of the body.

The order in which I usually wash myself while in the shower is:

Hands 1x-2x
Nose 2x
Face 1x
upper body 1x
ears 1x
hair 1x
ears 1x
body 1x
slippers 2x-3x
body 1x
hair 1x
body 1x
privates 4x-6x
lower body 2x
Full body 1x
lower body 1x

This takes about an hour. If I do not sporadically turn the water off and on, it WILL be cold before I am done. In fact, it usually is even if I do this.

But now that I am clean, I still have to dry properly, and I consider my lower body separate, so I have two towels from the get go.
So if I get home at around 3:30, this will go on until 8PM or longer.

The day before inventory, I did this until 11 because I got home at 7, so even then, it's still 4 hours at its best.

I can't leave the house on my day off unless I am committed to 4 hours of washing. I can't leave the house after work because I have to go to sleep afterwards. I can't readily go out after work because then I will have to go to sleep even later and get less rest.

It's hard to do anything fun, now, because of this. I feel trapped. I have considered eating less and drinking less because of this. I have considered just liquids because of this.

My entire life has been compromised, and while it wasn't much, at least there were more choices.

I recognize that I have taken for granted a lot in my life; My time, my father, and myself. Even now, its hard to focus on anything but this, but I want to change.

I will get past this. I will preserver. With the help of God, as well as my father.

Maybe with help with those that are here, as well. Still, I wish the best for everyone,

Peace.

2 Comments
  1. lanalana 7 years ago

    My first suggestion is to try to cut your rituals down a little at a time.  Start with the least anxiety causing ones and then work up.  Maybe try to reduce the washings my one at first?  Its a process of trying to get yourself used to anxiety without compulsing from it.  Best to you

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  2. BetterDays 7 years ago

    Thank you, Lana. I believe you are right.
    I will try to lessen then by one. I think I can do that slowly.

    Best to you as well, and thank you for your time.

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