You are a generally good human being; it's just that we completely bring out the absolute worst in each other, and it's really unfair to both of us.
I feel like I am always at a breaking point with you. When I am with you sometimes… I feel… more alone than I ever thought I could feel. 75% of the time, I fucking loathe how you make me feel. And I just go on, and continue to float through this cycle of emotions that revolve around you. They are:
And it never fucking ends with you.
I think you're really a catch… but we are not right for each other at all. 18 year-olds are not sane, therefore our happiness together is essentially invalid and untrue. It doesn't even matter to me anymore… I used to fondly recall our days of what I thought was bliss…. but it wasn't.. at all…. it was just a very melancholy kind of comfort… I guess. But I now realize that I have been surrounded by negativity my entire life. And my life has been wasted.
You took me when I was very young and very impressionable… and your only apologies to me occur years and years later…. it's better than you don't even apologize at all…. because at this point, it's just so fucking insulting and disrespectful, it's like, why bother?
But I believe that in so many ways, you're a really wonderful person. And I know that I absolutely cannot make you happy because I just don't want to, plain and simple, I don't fucking feel like it because I'm so feel so jaded by you and I will never shake that feeling. And you cannot make me happy… perhaps because you also don't want to.. but I know you will never ever admit that or even fucking realize it.
But seriously, we are all wrong for each other. And it's really sad…. it makes me really upset… when I consider the happiness… that could have been… with you… but the dynamic just isn't correct. You can't respect someone that you fucked when you were 17. You just can't.
And he has stated before that I never took time for myself… to grow…. in my life…. to REALLY explore….. I was too much of a fucking workaholic. And I considered my workaholism to be extremely productive but of course it wasn't… I never developed my identity…
Although now identity seems extremely trivial to me… self seems trivial… we're just bouncing around on this planet…. in this universe…. all disconnected and random… together.
But aside from that…. I don't deserve someone as transparent as yourself…. I should perhaps get a taste of my own fucking medicine…. someone who thrives an secrecy and private trauma and self-loathing and anxiety and insecurity.
And you deserve someone… proactive…. who you actually respect… who can give you feedback… who can get through to you… who you don't have to worry about so goddamn much. You're really too good for me. If you had someone better, you'd be less of a monster for sure.
And the vicious fucking cycle would end… the virus would stop mutating… and then maybe we could become…. healed. Seperately but happily ever after.