I went on a day trip with my (estranged)dad today. We went sailing just like when I was a kid, except today it was just the two of us and no other family. We hit the bay and as the sails picked up wind and he was at the helm, I started feeling so angry. Not towards him, but towards others.
I was so mad and upset and soon anger turned to sorrow. I teared up behind my sunglasses and had to go below deck for half an hour to calm myself down because it felt like I was having a panic attack. It was awful and even writing about it now makes me tear up. I feel so hopelss and sad sometimes and I don’t want to walk around with the memories of pain that I’ve endured.
This past year I was low, and down on myself. I let people see that and those who I thought I could trust used it to make themselves feel better, more self assured and dump stuff on me. I was ignored, mocked, branded a "bad person" and eventually I was forced to crawl on bended knee to them and beg forgivness. I did this because I had no one else. I thought these people cared about me but in the end I could not even hope for their pity.
I don’t understand it. I don’t feel like I’m a bad person but at the same time I can’t comprehend why I would be thus treated other than I must deserve it. I wasn’t worth their sympathy. My treatment was deserved and I didn’t deserve any relief, anyone to say, "hey I think Jenna’s had enough let’s give her a break".
I let all my friends circle me in a room and tell me everything and anything I’ve ever done. I let them tear me apart when I was most fragile, when I already felt like I was a piece of shit. It still wasn’t good enough for them and they still kept going, eventually driving me to withdraw from college. I don’t understand.
When I’m most mad I can’t imagine going back and seeing their smiling faces and hugging them. Even invisioning their smiles makes me sick to my stomach because of how degraded I feel. How am I supposed to be around them? Even if they are all I will have once I’m back at school? What should I do? What can I do?
I wish I could cut a hole that would drain out all the bile that is built up in my system, all the resentment I have towards people I once thought I would be lifelong friends with. Untill I can make that hole, I’m not sure how to release my feelings/anger or even deal with them. I’ve already tried to just put the past in the past, but saying "I forgive the people who hurt me"…it doesn’t mean anything and I’m still plagued by saddness.