Hey peeps, its Austin. the last few weeks have been a really rough patch. emotionally draining and very scary. The last two days have been very very intense, I almost lost her last night, i stayed up 12 hours talking to her on msn. She broke down and i almost lost her. I was a hairs breadth away from losing one of my closet friends… her state at them moment is so amazing fragile that i'm scared to blink or else she'll just go poof in a cloud of smoke. The Ironic thing is that she originally thought id do the same thing to her, hell she still thinks ill do that occasionally.
I think the most disturbing and horrible thing about the whole ordeal is the way she looks at it in her head. she's relieved when she thinks about it. she's almost happy. As i type here right now i'm on cam with her she was talking about leaving for a few minutes there..she got the most disturbing little smile or smirk on her face…I stopped talking and had to breath for a moment because of the immense amount of shivers that wracked my body at that moment. No person should ever think of death as a way out of life..especially if your only 18 years old. I don't care how much of terrible life you've had you lose the privilage as soon you step into someone else's life and ask them to be with you as a bf or gf. not even that if you make contact with someone and have a connection with someone they will care what happens to you and would prevent you from doing anything potentially harmful. Its human nature. Some say we are violent creature, this is true but we also show compassion and wont watch someone hurt themselves with out trying to stop it.
I'm tired but i know she is 4 times as tired than i am,but i told her i'm not giving up or giving in and i'm sticking to it. She will not win I love her deeply and will not let her leave me here. I can hold out and help her crawl through this stage, then i believe we can overcome this disorder with a little help.
(Portion for Chained_Down)
Good morning Dearest one i know your reading this and are a malstrom of emotions at the moment but know that i love you and that i'm not giving up. I've told you this hundreds of times and i'll continue to say it thousands of times. At this very moment your asking if i'm done writing so i can go to bed. I told you as soon as your pop gets home that i will. You know i love you and that your life goes above mine. I will not let you just waltz on out of me and all your friends. Even if i'm the only one…I am the Rock and you better hold on to your pants because Its always darkest before the Dawn. Ive got my Armor on So lets Tango till the sun goes down Koala girl!!!