I cannot believe how long it's been since I've logged in here… 2 years I guess. Things have been so busy that I haven't had a chance to sit down and type, but a lot of it has to do with my progress. There have been a lot of ups and downs but thankfully more ups than downs. 2 years ago I went back to work after finishing my maternity leave. I still have my germ phobias and I still sometimes have a hard time at work because I work with children and unfortunately, kids aren't all that clean. I do what I can and have a lot of hand sanitizer available. My ocd wad manageable and I am pretty happy. Having my little boy saved me. He challenges my ocd in a gradual way and has helped me get over some, if not most, of my bad habits. I used to have to take a shower every time I did laundry, but now, I just pop it in at night, dry in the morning, or I pop it in when I get home and just change my clothes since I always change our close after being outside. It's been such a relief not having that stress. And now that I have a newborn as well as a toddler, the ongoing busyness doesn't leave me time to obsess.. As much. I am forced to deal with my OCD head on. However, this week has been such a tough week. I was on the brink of a full out panic attack and I haven't had them in years. I was at the mall with my kids and we were waiting in line for our smoothie. My son was reaching up to grab a straw and when I looked down at him, I noticed black pencil lead sized specks in the corner by where he was standing… it was mouse poop.. my heart jumped and I was having a hard time breathing. Immediately I thought of hantavirus.. the respiratory disease that you can catch from mouse droppings. I had picked up my son a few times while waiting for our drinks and so I was panicking that it was on me, the droppings were on him, droppings might have fallen onto my daughter in the stroller…and the list goes on. I was with my sister in law and her son and they had also gotten a drink. I tried hard to not let my panic show. I grabbed some straws and made my way over to her and told her about it. I didn't think much of it then, but my son and I shared the drink together with the straw. The straw wasn't wrapped, so after we finished drinking, I started panicking about whether the mouse had climbed onto the counter and contaminated the straws. My Internet research tells me that the virus is rare and only found in field mice. It somewhat eased my mind, but kept me up most of the night. I spent a lot time cleaning today. Wiping and washing everything that I had with me at the mall. Thankfully, my son was with my in laws and my daughter was sleeping. I took too many showers and my heart pumped too many times. I can't remember the last time I felt this way and obsessed this much. It's really show much far I've come, but it worries me that it can come back this easily. I think because I haven't been sleeping much and the lack of sleep doesn't allow me to use the coping mechanisms that I've developed. Also, due to some recent traumas that I've read about on the news, I became fearful this week for the safety of my family. But, I have to remmeber how I was 7 years ago and see where I am today. What a difference. I can honestly say that I feel like I'm about 90% better than I was then. But the last couple of days, I was basically back to how I was 7 years ago. Quite a shift and not where I want to be. However, tomorrow is a brand new day and I hope and pray that I can be back up there and keep fighting this terrible disorder. Wishing those who read my blog a good night and good luck with fighting this disorder tomorrow. Be strong. We can all get through this together.

2 Comments
  1. ocey_docie 6 years ago

    Hi, I'm Kat, just got done reading your blog.. Wow, does it bring back those struggling memories with my kids growing up.. Ive had ocd/anxiety since my teen yrs, but when I became pregnant with my second child, the ocd kicked in full force. first,  i pulled up the driveway with my husband putting poison on the grass, I lost it. omg, i enhaled the fumes and my newborn will be affected, then, that darn spray truck that would come around the neighborhoods, spraying insecticide in the neighborhood, I went as far as calling the town, and letting them know not to do it down my street, because i was pregnant. Then, the dreaded cat box, thinking i contacted toxoplasmosis, from cat feces which can effect an unborn fetus.. well, thank God my daughter was born healthy, things calmed down abit, till, the commercials on asbestos in old houses, we lived in a beautiful old house, but had that asbestos in the basesment, I went as far as selling the lovely home we lived in afor a short time, i ws heartbroken, but because of 2 young children i was also afraid of the lead dust from windows, so we moved,  then it was the water, from the sink, what if it has harmful contaminates in it, had water tested, by this time i had to do something, i was exhausted with all of this, then one summer nite, my neighbors withoust asking me, decided to spray my kids with OFF for mosquitos, i lost it again, getting them immediately into a bath, ok, this was enough.. I finally found a psychologist/ psychiatrist for help, and Thank God, it took a bit for the meds to kick in, but I became so much better., but still heartbroken losing our lovely old home.. Just wanted to let you know, u r not alone out there.. Glad to hear you are having more ups then downs.. Im doing ok now, but there are those low times that are still aaround the corner, and im stronger now, to beat it hopefully, take care, Kat

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  2. Hope3 6 years ago

    Thanks Kat for your comment. Thank you for sharing your fears, It really made me feel better that I'm not alone. Lately I've been on a chemical obsession. With still nursing my infant, I'm fearful of chemicals on me, because it could get transferred to her. My husband recently brought in a filter from the car to clean in our laundry room. He was using some poison labeled spray detergent to wash it. We only recently installed a sink in our laundry room so this is the first time he has brought it into the house. He usually does it in the yard, but can't do that now with the snow and the cold weather… And he usually does it without me knowing. Anyway, he was spraying it when I was there and I freaked out. I went and took a shower and became fearful of the laundry room. Which caused me a lot of stress because of all thr laundry I had to do with 2 kids… Things haven't gotten much better with my fears. It's hard to get better when I feel so stressed all the time. With a teething newborn who cries all day and wants to be held all the time and an active toddler, it's hard to find any time for myself. .. Thanks for listening, 

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