Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything to DT. To be honest, this site is really no more than a semi-private dumping ground for the negative thoughts and feelings I can never afford to air out around people I know in rl. It's hard for me to be here when I'm not feeling like shit.
Well, I don't feel like shit right now. I've gone through great lengths to stop feeling like shit, and even though my life is still not perfect–yes my husband still drinks, no he doesn't beat me or anything, yes he still works and pays bills, yes I still love him.
So, I got back on meds. Not because I felt I needed to drug myself into liking my marriage and home situation, but because I needed to clear my head so I could think about it properly. I needed to be able to discuss my feelings without having a colossal meltdown–and I did.
To be honest, therapy was a complete wash. My therapst did almost NOTHING, but sat and collected money. Nice lady, but totally useless. She offered no imput and actually seemed bored at times–wanting me to confess a bunch of childhood trauma and seeming disappointed that I wasn't talking about grittier subjects. I talked, sure, but I also told her that I suffer from social anxiety and struggle with opening up to people. You'd think that might clue her in that I wasn't going to spill those kinds of dark PRIVATE secrets after 1-3 sessions.
I can talk to myself for free at home, so without notice or explanation I cancelled my last session and haven't gone back. Maybe I'll seek counselling elsewhere, at some point, but not with her. The point is, I'm feeling pretty good.
My meds are helping. Sure, I have my ups and downs like everyone else, but I'm not in a constant state of hopelessness. I'm certainly not thinking of bailing out on my marriage and running away every day.
My husband and I are best friends, and we are both imperfect creatures. This summer, working together on house projects and just spending time encouraging one another was a good thing for us.
After the few months of haitus, we decided that we were going to start trying for a baby again–full throttle. I finally decided to start taking the Clomid that had been sitting in the pill basket in the kitchen for three months. I had let it sit, because I wasn't sure our marriage or my head were in the right place, but I think we're going to be fine.
So, I just started round three of Clomid. Hopefully the 3rd time is a charm. I have decided that if this doesn't work, I don't want to take our efforts any further than this. No IVF, or IUI. This is it. If the Clomid doesn't work, I'm willing to accept that parenthood is not in the cards for us and that we will move forward in life as a child-free couple. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life pining away for parenthood. There are too many other things in life that I don't want going to waste.