Its been a long while since I last wrote on AT. Up until about a week ago I was relatively anxiety free – or at least I wasn\'t having panic attacks every other day. I had a long vacation. I am a HS coach and teacher so I get the same long, long vacation as the kids. It was tough filling my days over the summer, but I went to the gym daily and although I was really bored my anxiety was very much under control. The last 10 days have been the worst since I first started experiencing panic attacks a few weeks after getting out of the army. I have had full blown panic attacks – vomiting, racing heart – 5 or 6 of the last 10 days. I have been having panicked dreams and wake up to race to the bathroom to vomit. I feel like I am living in hell and I cannot break the cycle. I have multiple meds designed to do just that, but when it is so bad there is simply no putting the geenie back in the bottle. I have a terrible phobia of being in front of groups of people and with my job that is exactly what I have to do. There is nowhere to hide. I feel all the kids staring at every aspect of me and it makes me anxious at first and then it spirals out of control. They see everything, notice every last detail of me. I am not imagining this. I am INCREDIBLY self conscious and their comments (meant with no malice) about my hair or my complexion or my body or my clothes kill me. They notice EVERYTHING. Today some kid said "Oh you trimmed your soul patch" My soul patch? I didn\'t even remember doing it. "Did you not get much sleep? You have dark circles under your eyes" The FUCK! No I had multiple panic attcks and puked over and over and over. I cannot handle being the object of attention. I just so badly want a job in a cubicle where I can just sit behind a computer and do my work. Being a teacher is like being an actor on stage every single day. Why should this make my so anxious? I don\'t really know other than that I am so horribly self conscious and find myself repulsive. They don\'t see the real me – what\'s inside me. Maybe the terrible fear is that they will come to realize just how weak and frail this big, tall, muscle bound man really is – that it is all just a suite of armor to protect my fragile psyche. Whatever it is, it is causing the worst panic I have experienced in 5 years. If you have read this far thanks. I\'m really sorry that I have not been around and not been there to support you guys.


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