It's been awhile since I've been on. I don't really remember what I had posted. Maybe I should go back and read my old posts.

I still have my ups and downs on the OCD cycle. Actually, I think things are better now that I'm out of the my caregiver job and have a job with the government. Right now I'm a temp but hopefully that will lead to something permanment.

I'm lucky to have such a great husband! There are times he'll lose his patience and temper with me (which is understandable, but when I'm in "OCD mode" it makes things more difficult but I understand how difficult it can be to deal with OCD) He's really helped me cut back on the time I spend in the bathroom. I'm not perfect but it's def. an improvment.

I can get irritated when people ask me when I'm having children. I know that's just a natural conversation starterand when you get married naturally people want to know. First off, I don't want to add children into the picture when I've only been married for just over a year. I like that I can just spend time with my husband, where it's just him and I. I like that we can sleep in on Sundays. Kids change everything.

Secondly, I don't feel like my husband and I are in the right financial situation for a child. After the wedding our funding is lower than what I'd like. We have a mortgage. I'm only a temp with no benefits (so def. getting pregnant is out of the question. I am NOT paying hospital bills on my own). My husband got into a serious accident last November (he is fine now, thank goodness) and like I said before our funds are lower than what I would like. I know I'd like to get a new car as soon as possible after I get a permanment position. Children are expensive…

Thirdly, my OCD makes it hard to imagine having children right now. Little kids like sticky things and don't care if they're hands are sticky. Potty training scares me. And what do you do when you don't have any running warm water and soap?!? I know hand sanitizer is just as good as soap, but try telling my brain that.

But the thing that bugs me the most is twice when I've been asked when I'm having children, my mother proceeds to speak up and says "it can't be for a long while". And then she proceeds to tell them why. Only she doesn't mention that it's not just my OCD. But that's all she sees. Luckily the 2nd time, I got upset with her and walked away before I said something I was going to regret. Then later I apologized and told her that I just don't feel like it's something everyone should know. She told me it's nothing to be ashamed of, but I don't feel like everyone should know, regardless whether they are a cousin or not. I don't feel like it's nessesary to be like "Hi, I'm Amanda and I have OCD". I don't want to be labeled as "Amanda who has OCD". I just want to be Amanda. I meanAcoholics have AA.

I know if more people knew about my OCD, life may be easier…but it's a hassle to have to explain. But at least they would know I'm not mad at them per say…Most of the time when I get into an OCD situation it's like I shut down or I freak out.

Sometimes I wish I could tell my father-in-law. It might make it easier when he thinks it's funny to touch me with his greasy hands or what not when I stop in after work if he and my husband are still working…but then I'd have to explain everything and I really don't need him thinking I'm a mental case. I mean some of my closer relatives know, my parents know, my husband knows, some of my mom's work friends know, I think my two close friends know…and I know they don't think I'm a mental case…but it's hard when they aren't your blood relatives or really close friends.

I wish I could cut my bathroom time down more…but I don't know how that'll ever happen. And I don't know how I'll ever have kids. I hate touching dirty laundry. My husband does it because then I'd have to wash my hands all the time. I try to avoid washing my hands as much as possible. I don't need them to split open every where an bleed. So as much as I'd like to be a mother, I don't know if that'll be humanly possible.

Yes, I should probably be on medication, but I can't afford it (and I can't get assistance) but I'd rather take care of the problem without medication. And I should probably go to counseling (but once again the whole money thing) but I don't know.

At least I have my husband. Yes I know I drive him crazy sometimes. But he's the best and I couldn't have asked for anyone better.