I've been wanting to write about this since last week after my counselling session, but I haven't exactly been back into that sad mood to write about it, until now. Just a while ago my friend was asking me to listen to some songs by The Script. After listening to some of their songs, and talking to her about some stuff, my heart really started to get quite painful, it started to ache a lot. Not sure if it was just the songs, or what we were talking about, but it sure did the trick.
Anyway, what I wanted to write about was how sad it was when we realise that we are different. So different that the world, or most of the world, will reject us. I mean, we're different in a good way, like how most innovators and past geniuses are like. But if you look back at their histories, people have never been kind to them. How many of them were persecuted.. Jailed.. Tortured.. Inquistitioned.. Institutionalised.. Ridiculed.. Mocked.. etc etc?
The answer is, most of them. Yes, there are the Einsteins and Newtons who got their proper recognition, but most didn't get them. Why? Its because they thought differently and tried different things from everyone else. Its what made them able to discover so many new things! But the world doesn't like people who are different unfortunately.
Yet, we seem to be… still be willing and wanting to help. To discover and share and care.
I think, that the saddest part of that realisation was that I was going to have a pretty sad life ahead. Not to say that I would never be happy, but it will involve a lot, A LOT of rejection… and that is one of the most painful things to experience I think. Alone in a crowd. Surrounded and almost suffocated by societial pressures. I fear… in a sense, I will never be accepted for who I am simply because I am different. I am great, . . . but different. . . .
One of the things I thought about also with all this heart ache was how people have rejected me because I'm "too nice" or I "don't keep a lot to myself" in the sense that I have nothing to hide. Or that I'm "too intense"…. Personally, what kind of stupid reasons are those??? The worse thing is, these people don't even have the courtesy to at least tell me these things before totally shutting me off. They just…. disappear or.. become aloof.. or whatever. One day, I am just an irritant, an annoyance to them. One day I am just dead to them.
Sigh. Its sad, but its true I think.
To all of you with anxiety, please try to see that anxiety is a part of you already. You can't "get rid of it" or get your "life back". This IS your life. However sad it is, however painful it is, this is it.
I never try to run away from my heart aches, in fact, I am quite glad that its been brought up. Its not often that I get the chance to feel whats really inside of me. I only hope that in time, I can accept myself – anxiety, different, mutated, crazy me – with all my heart and soul.