WOW it has been over a year since I've been here. Where do I begin to update?
Well, after I moved home to Georgia, I went through a heavy battle with depression. But somehow, it wasn't as intense as it was in Colorado. Probably because I'm living at my parents' house while I continue to look for work, and my main focus has become looking for work.
Meanwhile, I tried to find my identity and self-worth in various guys. I'm a 28 year old virgin, but just barely. I almost lost it one time with a guy on our 3rd "date," which wasn't even really a date, more like I went over to his house with the express purpose of making out with him. I wanted – and still want – someone to think I'm beautiful and more special than any other girl. I'm sad to say that he wasn't the only one I made out with that I didn't even really care about. I guess truth be told we all were just using each other. Still, I thought somehow it could fill the emptiness. But it didn't. While the suicidal feelings were mostly gone, I felt empty inside.
December 2010, a full year since my last time here, and after a full year of the daily suicidal ideations dwindling down to once a month – you know, THAT time of the month – I realized that this life I was living was empty. I was going to church, but I wasn't getting anything out of it. But I knew there was this one church I had been to in the past where I'd gotten something out of it. They had something different there, something deeper, something emotionally moving. It's a pentacostal church. But I hadn't wanted to go there because honestly, there were no guys my age at this church, and I want to find someone to be with. But I knew I couldn't continue this way, I would only end up damaging myself more than I already had, I was on such a self-destructive path. So I went back there anyway and I prayed to God for help and was hit with immense emotions immediately. I could go into alot of detail of what happened that night, but suffice it to say, I was overcome by the Holy Spirit, something I had never fully experienced before, and such LIGHT came into me that I felt a good 30% of my depression drop off, just like that. And it happened another time, many months later. Long story short, that December I decided to go on a 6 month fast from dating so I wouldn't find my identity in guys. It really helped, except I stumbled from time-to-time in my desire to find some worth in the sight of guys.
My dating fast ended June 1st, 2010, and today, I am still struggling with feelings of loneliness. Now though, it's not as intense as it used to be and I know that's a miracle. If you just look at my past blogs, you can see that. I know I still have so much insecurity to get rid of before I'll ever be ready for a relationship, yet that doesn't stop my yearning to find one. Today is one of those days where I wish I had someone because every where I turn, people are pairing off, and I don't really have any friends still, mainly because I am looking for work and therefore not able to afford to get out much. But still, something HAS changed, and I stand true to what I said earlier, and that is God is a healer and I have HOPE. I have miraculous HOPE. I know that one day all of this loneliness is going to be gone…I just gotta keep working on finding myself in God instead of shallow men.