Clawing, reaching, desperately grasping, fiercely scrambling to finally swing my leg over the top of the cliff.

I have an image in my mind, of a man climbing a life-time high cliff of moments. The landscape of my lifes potential not gradually rising towards some gentle hills, but soaring straight up into the darkening of the end of atmosphere.

As I've climbed there have been gentler biases; shelves and plateaus and tiny little vales. I note those moments in my life as having always been used as an opportunity to rest – to ignore the destination and the journey and hide from the responsibility of continuing on.

On leaving these respites from the hazards and efforts of lifes purpose I'm always stymied by the next escarpment; the next obstacle; the next giant stone God or the universe has – with malicious cruelty – placed in my path so as to provide s/he/it with a good laugh at my expense.

"Look at the silly monkey, trying to climb that grease-covered tree."

And then there are moments of what seems in the midst of it to be clarity. Where the next rock-fall across the highway of my life can be seen as the inside-edge of the sink-hole created when I sat on my ass so long I began to depress the very ground around me.

It's not a rock in my path – it's the edge of the hole I've sunk myself into.

And I did it willingly.

And I'm not sure I want to leave.

Always there is another cliff, another forty-foot stair rise. Even when I've managed to approach these moments on the stair-case of lifewith enthusiasim and energy I've pulled myself to my feet, happy to have finally overcome…..

Only to be faced with a sixty-foot riser.

This is it? This is life? Over and over again, surmounting greater and larger and bigger steps only to be faced with yet another, bigger challange?

People enjoy this [email protected]?

Buddhism and meditation are supposed to bring a calming of mind. A peace. Clarity of thought and the ability to "see things as they really are."

An end of all suffering.

Today it mostly sucks. And it sucks because it is NOT – and can NOT – give me what I want.

I started because I wanted to conqure my emotions. Beat them li'l f_ckers into submission and make 'em do what I want for a god-damned change.

But no (//dripping sarcasm//) once again, Graham don't get what he wants.

Mediataion – at least in the early stages – means dealing with ones emotions. Allowing it to be.And feeling (jams fingers down throat to *PREVENT* the puke coming up) *compassion* for it.

Today all emotion sucks – especially the so-called good ones.

Ain't worth shyte if the only way to get 'em is to take the bad.

And here I am – with "all the love his heart can stand"………….

……. dreaming up ways "to throw it all away."

I am so effin' tired.

9 Comments
  1. Luc 9 years ago

    Hello S. B.,

    Sometimes it can seem overwhelming and hard.  One way of looking at it is to accept that life has its challenges and it is a given.  No way around it.  What you should be basing your life on is struggling and suffering.  Somedays you suffer less then other days but perhaps it is a better way to look at it is to assume that life is a struggle and that perhaps all the time you will be suffering.  Then, when you suffer less, there will be a short time of happiness.  I find it is one of things that helps me keep life in perspective.  Life is challenge and suffering.  Sometimes more and sometimes less but always there.  And that is a sad fact of life but one you must live with always.

    L

     

     

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  2. snowle 9 years ago

     Even after a rainstorm the sun will come out again.  hugs

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  3. Samsaras_Bitch 9 years ago

    On the "I hope you take more rest stops" comment:

    That is one of my major issues:  Too many damned rest-stops.  It is ok to pause and smell the roses.  My problem occurs because all too often I set up a tent and refuse to leave the garden…  when it ain't even my garden to park in.

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  4. Samsaras_Bitch 9 years ago

    As I've said before:  If the best we can hope for from life is (short) periods of slightly less suffering than the rest of the time then God can kiss my pale, white ass.

    There HAS to be more than that or I swear I'm gonna go postal.

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  5. bete_mal_fait 9 years ago

    I wish I could encapsulate my point of view, not to convince you, just to share it.  You always do a great job of sharing yours: days like this one (in your blog) suck, and if I could be bothered to write when I'm having one, I would love to be able to offer a high-five to anyone else having such a day and get even one person who acknowledges it.  Some days (weeks, months, years) suck.  If I could add to that, it wouldn't be, "some suck less," or even "some get better," but that I believe in the spirit of ingenuity, and that at some point, we figure it out ourselves – whatever it is that we want and can't find, we figure out how to get it or make it. 

    It's the one thing evolution has suited us for, to the point where we can split atoms with desire.  I hope your desire doesn't produce radioactive fallout, but who would I be to judge? :p

    Seriously, though, I hope you find some answers to these tough questions.  Let us know if we can help.

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  6. Samsaras_Bitch 9 years ago

    Thanks Bete_mal.

    Things are….  well, they are what they are, aren't they?

    There ain't f-all I can do about it, either….  all Buddhist mumbo-jumbo to the contrary.  At least not right this minute. 

    Apparently I've got to unload 43 years worth of baggage, first.  F_ckers didn't put that little tid-bit in the effin' brochure.

    Thanks, too, for the compliment on my ability to share my point of view.  I am always taken aback when people say stuff like that.  I find it difficult – nah, I'm lying…  I don't believe you.  In my head you are "just being nice."

    After all…  if I was such a damn-fine writer, the publishers would be beating down my door. 

    Oh…

    wait…

    was that a knock?

    NOPE!

    *sigh*

    Better than some…  worse than others.  That knowledge and $4.95 will get me a coffee at Starbucks.  So what the hell good is it?

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  7. bete_mal_fait 9 years ago

    Wasn't 'just being nice,' but like you said, you can't buy coffee with it, either.  I don't have the answers, or even the comebacks, but I said what I wanted to say.  I'm sorry your therapist skipped, but they're not paid to argue, so you'll have to figure it out as best you may.  Take care, and good luck.

     

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  8. Samsaras_Bitch 9 years ago

    Sorry Dude…  I get diarhea of the mouth when I'm like this.  It isn't at all meant, is just frustration boiling over.

    I do agree with the idea that what is reflected out is what lies within…  and – afterward; when I've already pooped all over the very image I project – am aware that all said was aimed squarely between my own eyes.

    Please forgive.

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  9. bete_mal_fait 9 years ago

    I wasn't offended, but if it helps, you're forgiven.  Actually, I hope I didn't sound huffy; I was mostly just thinking aloud myself: mental health is a business, not a charity, and professionals mostly aren't willing to argue (which is a shame, because sometimes conflict is a legitimate method of investigation & resolution).  Anyway, I really do wish you luck/skill in finding some answers you can agree with.  And take care of yourself, as best you can.

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