Ok so I don't really want a response to this. Its more of an outlet type of blog. I just need to get a few little things off my chest and just don't have time right now to get to emergency councelling.
So, background information so my venting makes sense:
I've recently been diagnosed to borderline personality disorder which has made me think of things in a new light and help with understanding some of the odd relationship issues I often have come up. But at the same time it meant admitting some things to myself I really didn't want to. Around the same time as this,my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me for some pretty horrible reasons such as I wasn't physically attactive anymore and the like. Hence my self esteem took a pretty hard dive and I really had no friends to speak of. So I went out and made friends! I made these two awesome friends whom I love to pieces. Its about 20 BILLION times more complicated than that but.. thats the short of it. Now those of you who know borderline know about the whole "fear of abandonment" thing. Well this is pretty much that only just SILLY. so here goes..
Ok so we're going to use initials for this. C is a female friends and S is a male friend. Both AWESOME people and I just met them a few months ago. Originally both C and I were going to head back to Halifax (our collective home city area) in september. But due to recent events things have had to be changed and looks like she's going to be leaving by april first. Also I thought S would be staying here untill christmas time ish but due to a recent development in work, he's moving at the end of may. Now this really isnt' a big deal and NEITHER of their moving has anything to do with me. Rationally I'm well aware of this. But I can't help but feel really sad and like everyone is leaving me and that I did something to make it happen. I mean first there was Robert (my ex) who left me because I just wasn't good enough for him anymore. And then these two are leaving me and I'm sure I've said things to drive them away like I always do and I'm just so upset because I FINALLY made friends after trying for so long. It's so discouraging. Why make friends in the first place, they all leave so quickly. Be it moving, or just not wanting to talk to you anymore (which is the more common event with me). I'm sick of being left behind or just tossed aside for better friends or more fun friends or people that don't have random outbreaks of anger and/or are easier to deal with. I just want to change already, get better and be the awesome person I KNOW I have it in me to be. But It's like every corner something drags be back down. Seriously, by about 5 pm every evening I'm always in some extreme form of a mood. Be it depressed, angry or SUPER happy. During the days I'm just so exhausted from all the extreme feelings and I just want to sleep and take a break from being alive. But I've got work to do and a thesis to finish. I'm so unstable right now from 1) loseing the stable background relationship from 5 years which had become central to my identity and 2) graduate school related stress that I'm jsut all over the place. I can go from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other in seconds and I'm jsut getting so frustrated with myself. And now because people have been after me to stop cutting its like my only way of copeing with the extremem emotions and putting them to rest is gone so I just have to ride it out.
I'm well aware all the things I'm feeling and worrying about aren't rational nor are the based in reality (which could possibly mean the EXACT same thing but I dont' care right now). But that really doesn't stop me from feeling this way in the first place and if anything makes me feel worse about myself because I know i SHOULDN't feel that way yet I do.
Overall: I'm just a jumbled mess right now and don't have the free time to talk to my therapist on her walk in hours and am afraid to voice these things to people because they're such silly things to worry about yet they upset me so very much.
Anyways thanks for reading, I feel a litle better getting this out into text atleast.
Cheers and Lots of love