The choice is to sleep between either in my car somewhere or at a cheap hotel like Motel 6…."home" is not truly home to me. It's my mother's house, where I've been living for over 1.5 years. It initially was just to help her get through the difficult transition of being alone after my Dad passed away. She asked me to move in. Me being who I am, I agreed to. Knowing damn well that knowing me that once I moved in with her, I would never be able to figure out or make a plan to get out and back into my own place again. Because I never can plan out anything like that. NEVER.
So Fast forward. A man comes into her life. He's a good and kind man. Now my Mom no longer needs me there. But now, of course, I have no plan or idea how to get out. My job is shitty part-time pay AND I CANT FOR THE F&***ING LIFE OF ME FIGURE OUT WHY I CAN'T GET MYSELF TO LOOK FOR SOMETHING BETTER OTHER THAN IT HAS TO DO WITH SOME FORM OF FEAR. WHY THE F**K WOULD I AT MY AGE NOT WANT TO MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH TO FIND A JOB THAT PAYS WELL ENOUGH SO I CAN BE BACK OUT ON MY OWN AGAIN AND NOT A NEAR 40-YEAR OLD LIVING IN HIS MOTHER'S BASEMENT—NOT TO MENTION SHE BASICALLY DRIVES ME CRAZY. (I love her–she is my MOM afterall—but she does.)….
SO THE new good and kind bf in her life has money, and offers to set me up in a new apartment where he is part owner of the property of it, or something like that, so I can be on my own again, and offers to pay the first two years of the rent on top of that. So why aren't I doing freaking backflips???? Because. Because I'm upset that they basically told me they were doing this and didn't really ask me. Because I feel pathetic and ashamed that I can't afford to move out on my own and am tempted to hate myself for not trying harder to find a better job, but I can't do that(hate myself, that is) because I vowed after getting through 2009-2012 that I would never hate myself again. Because I'm pissed off and embarrassed that my Mom told all our family members—my siblings, my nieces and nephews– that he's paying for the apartment for me. She could have kept that between us. She could have just said Harris is giving me a great deal on a new apartment. But no, she specifically told them he's paying for it. HOW COULD SHE DO THAT???? HOW COULD SHENOT THINK OF MY FEELINGS BEFORE DOING THAT????? And because I'm so angry and upset that they chose to move-in date for me without consulting me–without giving any thought to how I struggle and stress out approx 10x more than the average person when it comes to doing something like moving due to my ADHD and absolutely ATROCIOUS organizational skills.
Now my Mom and I are fighting. We got into it today. I would only text with her—wouldn't answer her calls. Why? Because I'm AFRAID OF her(!). WHY THE F&****K AM I AFRAID OF MY OWN MOTHER???? WHY? I DON'T KNOW but I'll take a stab at it. Because I've gotten down on my knees and prayed to G-d or the Universe or the stars in the sky or whatever you want to believe(Or whatever I believe on the given day)OVER AND FREAKING OVER to PLEASE GIVE ME THE F****KING WORDS WHEN I NEED THEM WITH HER(OR ANYONE ELSE I HAVE TO HAVE AN UNEASY CONFRONTATION WITH FOR THAT MATTER),THE WORDS I NEED TO SAY WHEN I NEED TO CONFRONT HER OR NEED TO STAND UP TO HER. But the prayer goes unanswered EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME, and I get flustered, and sometimes even cry(!) or feel a compelling urge to do so when I get into it with her. And it makes me feel weak and embarrassed and emasculated. She rattles me when I try to confront her in person and I crumble like a wet taco. But through texting, written word, I feel more in control and better able to say the words I need to say. But ultimately, that's gutless. Ultimately, she still wins because I avoid confronation with her. Ultimately, fear wins and I lose. And that's what's happening tonight.
So I'll probably blow $60 of my paltry income tonight on a cheap motel room(which will leave me approx I estimate under $500 for the remainder of the month with bills to still pay yet among other things…which also means I won't have enough money to go do the thing I so love to do at this time of year which is travel to Mizzou football games, which my psychologist even said it's vital for me and my mental health that I go to these games in person as much as possible because it's one of the few things I can consistently count on to give me stimulation and it makes me feel alive and focused). I was going to just stay out all day so I wouldn't have to deal with her and knowing she goes to bed fairly early, come back home–er, I mean to her house–around midnight when I know she's usually fast asleep. But now I won't do it because I know she'll hear me come in, and our fight today has been way too intense for her to not get up upon hearing me enter and start with me in person. It's 8:24 pm. I left her house this morning at 7:30am. I'm tired and I'm wearing my stupid work shirt still even though I've been off since 4pm because I have no other clothes to change into what with fear obviously preventing me from going to her house and showering and changing into a new pair of clothes.. I'm so furious and upset and angry and sad that I have to waste $60 on a motel room because my Mom scares me and because fear rules my world, once again.
I'm so sick of the Universe putting me in these situations so it can get a good laugh out of it(that's how it feels anyway). I don't like the way I wrote this blog and that's bothering me too. It doesn't feel like I wrote it sharply enough with the best possible words I could use and if there's one thing I hate, I hate feeling stupid or "not smart" as it were. I'm really hating my life at the moment. Somehow I have to resist the temptation to hate myself too.