at 1230 this morning, i wrote this all down in a notebook i have at work. i am a C.O. This is what was on my mind.
-Begining to sweat, shaking. Mind is raveling. Can't stop thinking. My mind keeps playing video's in my head, Razor in my right hand, to left rist, pressing down as i pull the nlade down my arm. I'm walking the top tier, i jump off the tier. Drinking the Tri-base chemicals. All of these and more. And when i think about it my eyes turn to look at the solution-or damager. Can see myself downing all sorts of pills, bleach, pine-sol, Anything. See myself taking a sharp pointed knife and thrusting it into my thigh towards my femural artery. Saw myself throwing myself down the stairs at home, than i did it. Only to be caught by my brother, and i still tried to keep going. Back to cutting, had to have someone hide or get rid of my razors. Only so they could take my keys away and i could sit in my car, Why? Because without thekeys my car was my only safe place. I couldn't overdose in my car, since there is nothing in there, and i couldn't hang or choke myself either, No keys so i couldn't crash my car to kill myself. The voices and the thoughts don't even uiet down anymore. They are so loud and so vivid that i have fought and argued with myself outloud. I have told them to stop, to be quiet, and to just leave me alone, Only to burst out in tears, rocking back and forth asking why wouldn't they just leave me alone, why wouldn't they stop. Telling whoever that i just wanted them to leave me alone, I've gotten to whinking about calling for help, weather it be to crisis or whoever, but then the voices stop me. I'm so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of living. Tired of not being the me that was able to smile for hours. Now i smile for a second, only to let my gaurd down so the voice's scream. I fight to protect myself to make a deal with myself taht instead of killing myself I just cut myself. So far I am alive, but the jumping down the stairs and attermptive overdose is scaring me more. Yet i Don't know where to get help. I try to work only because I am locked inside the unit with no ability to just run out, ANd ther are camera's watching me so if i do something, someone will see and send someone else over to help. Yet i do not want to be here. I do not want to work here, or with people, or machines, with anything, I just want t sleep, but i do not like sleeping, I do not like being idle. But i just want to sleep. To stay in bed never needing to get up. I do not like nor want o eat. I think i have eaten once in the past 3 days, slept a combined time of 8 hours for all 3 days and cut twice daily. I don;t think ican make it much linger. I feel so drained. The only thing i can do is cry. There uis no help, nothing that makes me really believe i can do it. My light has been my son, butnow.. even his face, his voice, can't keep me sane. After years of pressing that i was sane, that everything was fine, and now i know it;s been a lie. Everything i tried dosen't help. The medicind fails, counceling makes me want to sleep just so i can avoid going. Bayview was a complete waste to go ther and just go to sleep? E mean waht are they going to say and do that my councelor or osychaiatrist hasn't aready tried? EXACTLY! NOTHING! I have wirtten this over 8 different papers. this i me combining them all for refrence. My head is pounding. I just want to lay down, sleep, cry, die. Just want it all to go waya, When i get home i'm going t sleep until 7 pm. Ugh!
just all that in 20 minute.s.