Thursday 11th

I’m quite frusturated that I have to type my blogs up on my notepad until Friday. I honestly do wish that I had more money to get some more internet hours. I’m at such a crosshairs right now, and I do wish I had the support of my DT friends to talk to.. even to bounce ideas off of. So instead I’m left writing on this notepad. Maybe these words will never see the light of day.. or the world wide web. Should I be so upset about this? i’m not sure. Sometimes I feel as though I worry over the wrong things. Or worry to much. I am a worrier. It’s a known fact. I have been for along time.

I went to see the dr today about getting some more meds. I knew I would panic about going so I made sure that I took my last remaining pill before I left the house. The thought of telling others (appart from maybe DT) my deep dark secrets is terrifiying to me. I had to wait about 30 minutes before I actually got in to see him. The entire time I was thinking of different ways how I was going to tell him what I needed from him, and what I have been through the last weeks. I thought about what he was going to say; what his reactions would be. Would he laugh at me? Would he have a smile on his face that made me feel like I was small. Everytime he came out, calling someone else, I made sure that I didn’t make eye contact with him. I hope I didn’t seem rude. When I was waiting I seen a police car drive by. My heart jumped.

By the time I finally got into see him, I think I must have run through every possible senario in my head. When he called me my heart jumped again. I thought I was going to run out of the surgery then and there. But I did the right thing and went in to see him. He was good. I told him about the stay at the hospital, the lack of a diagnosis, the meds. He was actually quite good. He asked me a few questions, and actully asked me some questions that the drs at the hosptial hadn’t asked me which surprised me. He asked me if i feel like people are out to get me. I told him that yes i feel a little paranoid at times, but when it comes to the police I feel as though everytime I seen them, they are going to try and arrest me. Even when I see them on the tv, I panic. He told me that I have ( I can’t remember the exact term he used) something like, I have trouble distinguishing whats real and whats not. I relate what everything that someone is going, as though is going to effect me. He is kinda right though. I just never thought of it like that. Is that just paranoia though? I wish I knew. He asked me if I was actually going to have any follow up at the hosptial. I don’t. The only follow up they said for me to do, is to maybe see a psycologist. The Dr asked me about that. I told him how I feel about telling others about my problems. He took that well. I’d much prefer for him to just give me the drugs, and then let me do my thing. Let the chips fall where they may so to speak. Anyway he ended up giving me a prescription for the meds and even gove me a repeat which I was thankful for.

When I got the meds- A box of 100 25mg the first thing that I thought of was how I could OD on these so easily. 100 is so many. It wouldn’t even take half of that for me to OD on them. It’s not normal for someone to think like this. Why does everything I do, everyday, have to relate to my death, or hurting myself. Its so exhusting. It truly just drains everything of myself. I wonder what it would be like to not have thoughts of deliberatly hurting yourself or suicide every day? exhillerating i’m sure. I would love to be able to look at something simple as a hair straightner and see it for just that: a hair straightner, not a tool to burn myself with. It’s almost a constant thing. Everyday there is a new way to hurt myself. Wiether or not i’d actually go ahead with it, well that would depend on a few different things-being alone is one of them. Right now I feel as though i’m trapped. It’s school holidays so my sister is home everyday. Even if i felt the need to go ahead and do one of these things that I think about doing, I wouldn’t be able to do it with her in the house. She’s too innocent for that sort of thing.

I worry about how much my sister knows about me and my episodes in hospital. What she knows about the scar thats on my wrist. Maybe one day when shes older I might be able to talk to her about it. She’s too young for that sort of thing right now. She doesn’t need to know.

I had to make sure that no one would be able to access my blogs on my computer… I think I have everything coverd. I have made it very secure though i’m still worried that someone will come across them. On my old computer I had a "Safe" that I could put things in, and the only way to read them was either with a fingerprint or a password. I wish this computer had this too.

I’m thinking I’ll have to start excersising a bit. My appetite has increased so much while on these pills, i’m going to end up bigger than i already am and that is not good. I might go for a walk tomorrow or something.
 

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