Today has to mark a day of all time lows for me. I was not able to get to sleep last night so I slept most of the day away. I feel more depressed now than ever. I kinda wish this was like a clock piece or something. It wears out or breaks and poof! You can just go ahead and take it out and replace it. Sadly, this isn't like that. On a side funny note, I think this is the first time in a long time that I have actually posted daily on a blog. Hoorah!
I keep having these reacurring thoughts about just ending it though. I keep thinking, "If I just off myself, I won't have to go through this anymore," or, "I don't want to feel this pain anymore. Sure, I have a fiance and a loving family, but I don't want to do this anymore." Part of me is really scared that I mean my relationship, but in the rational sense of my mind I don't want that at all. I love my fiance, and I love my relationship. This is all part of my depression. Somehow there is comfort in the fact that I can actually write that and SEE it.
My friend is on her way to pick me up. I am going to go visit with her and the kids for a few hours tonight, then come back home. I am going to repeat that again tomorrow. It's important that I get back out there in life. I hope that all of you will read this, and follow me, because I know there are many people out there like me. Please just know that you aren't alone in the struggling and I will do my best to document how my days are going and how I am getting through them. Perhaps you can find help in these posts too.
On a random ending note, I took a shower today, and since it's plus 90 degrees here I am not sure I will EVER dry out. Ha Ha.