Great! Another day successfully ruined by trying to look for a new job.
I wake up and feel unusually energetic. I decide to "put that energy to good use" and deploy it to do some job searching, so I sit down and do just that.
Nothing that fits me.
Well, almost nothing, but always everything on there requires "experience" within that field or fancypants educations. I start thinking about old classmates/"friends", whom I know are more successful in terms of careers, and it all makes me feel so insignificant and inadequate. And of course, even supposing I get to a job interview (which actually happened a few months back), they'll see I spent the last five years as a lowly caretaker, and they'd wonder "Why didn't he try harder to get a better job in all those five years?" – he must not be very serious/motivated.
It all just makes me want to stab myself to death, because I feel like my life is one huge wasted opportunity.
I'm 28 years old and designated as an "adult". I started life as a friendly, considerate and intelligent boy, who just wanted friends and had a huge appetite on Life. I was among the best in my classes both in basic school and our equivalent of High School. I had a lot of potential, so I'm suppossed to be able to get a "real" job dammit! So what the Hell is wrong!?
Here's what's wrong:
Today I suffer from psychological problems that trigger highly negative/volatile thought patterns at minor provocation or as soon as something doesn't go quite my way. I have Social Anxiety which gives me anticipatory anxiety just thinking about a possible job interview, which again triggers volatile/aggressive/negative thoughts. And I often have problems concentrating about things if it feels unfamiliar.
Unfortunately, this society is just not designed to take people like me into consideration. Or at least not very well. I can shout and scream and complain all I want, but the sad reality is that it's really all my own problem. Why? "Because Life's not fair".
Or at least that's what people have always told me when I was mad at the world, but I got a little question:
Why in bloody Hell aren't people freakin' TRYING to make life just a little more fair!? Surely they can all do better than this! We're supposed to be an >intelligent< species after all. How about we started acting the part!?
You're welcome to correct me if I'm wrong (and I most likely am, because I'm currently not thinking clearly), but it looks to me like almost the rest of the world is too busy patting themselves on their back, while ignoring their responsibilities towards their fellow Man. Whenever somebody complains about being miserable, it appears to me that they just hurridly shove their responsibilies away and instead load 'em onto the miserable person who just complained, by more or less saying: "Well, Life isn't fair and it's really your own fault – now stop bothering me and fix your own life, so I can go back to ignoring the uncomfortable truths in Life!"
Guess what? It's not all my own responsibility dammit! I've gone above and beyond the call of duty throughout most of my life, while a lot of moronic, self-centered people, which I have been unfortunate enough to be into contact with, have been slacking off profusely. And I'm exhausted. Too exhausted.
The aforementioned morons? They're the ones who ought to repair the mess they've made, they're the ones who ought to pay for my psychologist, they're the ones who ought to refund all the money I've potentially lost for not being able to acquire a well-paid, respectable job, because of my illnesses.
But hey, Life's not fair, right? Right, because society is letting those bastards getting away with breaking the moral and ethical rules. Because the bastards themselves haven't taken responsibility. And I and my fellow sufferers are the ones who pay the price, because Human society pretty much is leaving us to fend for ourselves.
Once I've served my time on this Earth, I'm going to file a massive complaint. I'm currently practicing for that task as you can see 😛
Now, when this damned depression is over, I suppose I have to ruin my mood again by re-assigning myself job-hunting detail.