today is my first day off, college has finished up for xmas, i am still working and think i have a great bunch of staff mates and am enjoying my job… but for the last few days i am finding i am sitting rather anxshiously, i had my works night out and had an amazing time, i got to know and spend time with my team mates and just have some general good fun… today on the other hand i am left sitting going over every small little detail and just generally looking for something to panic/worry about! Its supposed to be my day off and all i am doing is worrying about what my work mates think of me? we all had a great night and i feel i get on great with them some more than others. I know for the past few months i havnt been putting/setting time for myself and my family or eating properly or just generally looking after myself which isnt helping but today i just want to cry and the reason for it is i just dont feel good enough about myself i feel dirty, like i have done something wrong and i know that simply just isnt the case! I hate it when i feel like this and know i need to focus on the thoughts and how i am feeling and just set aside time to sort out what is or isnt going on in my life and spend that time sorting through my thoughts basically just sit and be honest with myself. its the reilisation that i have people around me who make me feel comfortable and that its ok to just be myself and that i am something special/worth while, my partner does the very same thing but in a different way he sees the 100% broken me and knows my stories and when i am in his arms i am in a safe place, with a person who sees all of me and still thinks i am beautiful and amazing in who iam. I walk this strange beam of spending time worrying about what others think and how they will treat me and the other really not caring… its complicated in my own head let alone trying to explain it, i think the main issue today is that i let myself let go and relax last night and stopped trying to control things and today the panic of having doing so has returned but mainly its the worrying of having done somethign wrong to have upset someone. I know my anxiety comes from my fear of letting go of control incase i do something wrong and hurt someone or just generally disapointing the people around me… it would be great to take steps to try to change this, where do i begin though ? isnt that always the question where can i start with these changes and will it help me ? i havnt missed the anxiety ive only just realised that i seem to be feeling that way more recently and the reason is because i have a lot going on and i am not spending time on myself, that and for the first time in a long time i am fully financially stable, progressing well at college, comfortable with my job and the people i work with but am also being challenged due to how fast paced it is, my relationship with my partner like most things weve had our ups and downs and problems but hes helping me, supporting me and letting me go and explore and just lets me do my thing when i need it, my daughter is doing well in school and is growing up soo fast that sometimes i look at her and am just astonished by home much she has growen and amazed at the beautiful person she is! I feel i am searching for issues to worry about wither it be problems with the people i work with, the worry about my job, or creating health issues that arent even possible ( my main focus for my anxiety usually ) i finally have some time off and to spend time on me relaxing and what am i doing ? not focusing on the amazing things that are going on in my life? nooooo i am worrying about shit that has already happened or isnt going to or isnt even possible ( please tell me i am NOT the only one that does this ? ) i feel better now ive blogged i always do its one of the many things that has always helped my mental health … it is very freeing in many ways or at least for me but i think thats because its another place for me to get out what i need to without have another person willing/wanting to listen… sometimes we know our own internal answers we just have to stop being the hamster and get off the wheel long enough to let ourselfs figure it out 🙂

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