It is day four of my decision to decrease my medications and in spite of a long night of broken sleep I am up, out of bed and was not auto-sucked to the sofa. My employment insurance report card has been completed and perhaps next week I will be able to pay the other half of my now over due rent. My face is washed and the cream that promises to erase fine lines and wrinkles on my face has been applied ( for the first time in 6 months).

An hour after taking my night time meds the incredible hunger hit, I could not push the need to eat from my mind. So two pounds of mandarin oranges and three dinner rolls later I eased my body and mind to a state of meditation and allowed the Seroquel to do it's thing.

I was awakened two hours and ten minutes later. In a dream I heard music, not peaceful chanting but a strong hostile sound and it sounded very off key. I think the "off key" was what made me choose to awaken. Yes it was a conscience thought that formed although I was in a dream state. I lay in bed and listened for the sound and heard as it repeated time and again. It was the anguished wailing of a young man as he walked home. I looked at the clock and noted the time, the bars had been closed for over an hour.

I waited for the anxiety to rise, but it didn't. I rolled over and hugged my pillows, emptied my mind and fell asleep.

At 4'o'clock I awoke again. All was quiet except for the soft splats of the rain starting.

Every two hours I was roused from sleep. Once it was pain that broke in, one hand like a stone fist, unmoving and unyielding. Spasms in my legs and feet as they contorted in ways I would not dare attempt for fear of breaking something. I made the mental note to take the Levocarb at bedtime tonight as I am not yet ready to decrease the night time dose of Seroquel.

At six it was a biological need to get out of bed and instead of putting it off I padded to the washroom, but returned to bed.

At 8'o'clock I decided I might as well get up and start the day. I was pleasantly surprised to note that the bed was not soaked from excessive night sweats. And more over, I didn't have the " I'm too tired to move" feelings.

So let the purge of thoughts and incidents continue in the attempt to keep the darkness of my soul at bay.